I have been pondering this very odd thing.
When you have CANCER - and it is all caps, like that - it becomes your reality, yes, but more than that - it becomes your world. Everything in your life is colored by it. EVERYTHING.
It is not that you want to embrace it, because you would really like to do nothing more than get as far away from it as is possible. Tough - it is going to suck to be you for a while, there is no getting away from it. Now for some people, that "while" is not very long a time and not terribly difficult a time. Others among us, however - "us" being that so special club that no one wants to be in - have a longer, harder and just awful time of it.
What is strange to me as a woman who is very pleased to consider that I have kicked cancer to the curb, is that regardless of my being where I am on my road to recovery I am still swimming with that current that says "careful now - cancer is just there, within reach."
Because it is, you know. Breast cancer loves to go to skin, lungs, eyes, and bones. This doesn't mean it WILL metastasize there or anywhere. Having been diagnosed as stage 3A does increase the likelihood, however, and no matter how much you don't want to even think about that, you cannot help BUT think about that. It is part of who you are now. Cancer..
So you do what you can to improve your chances. Eat right, lose weight, exercise, stay up with all of your exams, have your eyes checked annually instead of every 2 years, monitor your own body for any weird thing that could happen, read up on advances, discoveries, new protocols about the drugs you have to take, etc., etc.
You know, nonetheless, that all of these things might be for naught. You might not ever so much as have a hiccup in your health again,or you could find yourself right back at the battle's edge again. You could have prime rib, ice cream sundaes, and pecan pie for every meal or never, ever touch them again and it is still a roll of the dice that you just have to accept.
Then there is the whole thing where you KNOW you have had cancer, your entire world was engulfed in the battle and now down the road someone asks as innocuous a question as "Oh, did you hurt your arm?" when they see your compression sleeve and your brain runs through this whole litany of "I know they knew I had cancer; what? This is someone I've just met and they have no idea I had cancer! How much do I tell them - since it really is none of their business anyway, How polite do I have to be Do I have to be polite at all (notice puctuation in your internal litany disappears entirely) How long has it been since I have seen this person How could THIS person have forgotten all that I have told them before Why is this battle even raging in my head How do I make light of it when I hate this doggone thing How do I make it seem relatively unimportant How do I fling off this feeling of intrusion on my personal buffer How do I let this person know How do I keep this person out of my feelings Why do my doggone feelings jump up and invade my calm Shut up Melanie and say something and the chips may fall where they fall."
You don't want to make someone else uncomfortable and yet how is that your issue? Because I really have to tell you, while I was very much socialized to be nice, polite, kind, compassionate, etc., this trip down cancer's ugly road has shown me I don't really have time to be those things. I won't go out of my way to be ugly and I am, in part, nice, polite, kind, compassionate. I need to be those things TO and FOR me, though. First, for me. Then comes the rest of the world.
Please note that unbeknownst to me, this entry has been sitting in my draft file for YEARS now. It remains valid and so I now choose to post it.
Monday, April 23, 2018
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Travels and Travails or Why I Love The South
It is hard to believe it is already the middle of August! The year is flying by and this wild ride called life is full of, well, life!
My son's mother-in-law had a health issue and I filled in watching our youngest grandson 'Luca for 4 weeks. I dearly love the little guy and, so saying, he is exhausting! Ah, these reminders of why God gives children to younger people!
Yes, I was tired and absolutely nothing got done in my house AND - Ruben and I had a blast with him. We would go most weekday mornings to Costco when they first opened to use our "Costco Gym membership" - which is what we call it; walking the outer perimeter of the inside of the store when they are not busy. 'Luca now knows more people at Costco than his parents do. In fact, his daddy took him to the store one day and several people stopped them, cooed and chatted with 'Luca and asked "Where are his grandparents?" We have decided that he sort of owns Costco now. He would wave and chatter and had some who were his particular favorites there. Oh, yes - he L-O-V-E-S "la macchina" - the sweeping machine that is kind of a Zamboni for concrete floors. He would get so excited when he heard and saw it. We would come home and get some lunch and nap and when he woke up have some watermelon and at any and all times during the day play and laugh and learn and have fun. He is a very busy little guy.
Ruben and I went up to Huntsville and Lake Guntersville, Alabama for the 4th of July, as has become our habit. We had a most interesting trip this time.
That morning (July 1st) as we were leaving, Ruben mentioned that he had been "a gallon" low on liquid in the radiator before we left. Hmm. That doesn't sound good.
Well, obviously, he had addressed the problem and we were off on our merry way. We were just north of Birmingham, several hours later, and making good time. We were singing along to the radio, chatting. laughing, enjoying the day when out of the blue my husband says "Oh, I need to pull over for a minute. The temperature gauge just went to extreme heat."
Oh. I see. So we pull over on the side of the road, the INTERSTATE, up goes the hood, and lo and behold there is some serious heat coming out from the engine. By the way, it is in the mid 90's, very humid and even though it is a Tuesday, there is a good bit of traffic on I-65 Northbound.
Sure that my husband has a container of water in the truck bed I ask about that. Wait a minute - this is hard for me to assimilate. My husband who always has a container of water with him not only does not have a container of water with him, he doesn't even have an empty container? What??? That makes no sense whatsoever!
Well, we do have 2 drink glasses from our stop at Hardee's for lunch (in case you don't know, Hardee's hamburgers are absolutely delicious. Dare I say, the best fast food burgers out there.), and I had brought a travel bottle of water which was about half full by now. Yeah, that is not enough to do any good. Also we had been meaning to get AMAC road service....
Well, this is not good. We have to wait for the engine to cool to try anything anyway, and did I mention that it was mid 90's and quite humid and we were on the side of the Interstate?
I texted my sweet baby sister with a photo of the truck on the side of the highway with its hood up and the text was "Don't freak out." Well, she was with her wonderful hubby, my b-i-l David. He is an aerospace engineer, and the master of we can handle this. He did immediately mention to us that we were only an hour or two from our destination and he would happily come get us if we needed to go that route. Okay, that is on the possibility list. In the meantime, what to do...
Out of the blue, or more accurately the grayish heat haze, an Alabama Power truck has pulled over on the side of the road and is backing up towards us. God bless these guys they get on the appropriate and required by their job safety vests and come to our assistance. I cannot now remember the guy's name but he had told us he had been broken down on this stretch of road before and had found out that the people who are supposed to provide assistance to stranded motorists (really - there is an agency that is supposed to do this in Alabama!) did NOT come along this stretch of the road. Great!
First of all he asks "Do you have a container for water or some engine coolant?" Yeah, well, that is a no. He gently chastises us and I swear this is probably the first time EVER since I have known my husband that we did NOT have either engine coolant/anti-freeze and/or a jug of or for water.
At any rate, he loads us up with what water they have available including giving us a bottle of drinking water - GREATLY appreciated by now as we had been out in the heat for probably about 30 to 45 minutes - and told us where to go.
Well, here is where you WANT someone to tell you where to go! You know - for assistance!
We take off towards the next exit and they follow us. We went to the right when we got off and they had wanted us to go left. They followed us again to get us back where they were directing us. Unfortunately, by this time (7 or 8 miles total later) the engine decides to go back into overheat again. We had pulled over in front of a little out of the way antique and collectible store which is ALL that was out there. We told them we were going to have to let the engine cool down again, got additional directions to the auto place they were attempting to direct us towards, thanked them and had to wait. So I go into the antique store and look around, Ruben joins me in a bit and we just have to wait it out. Ruben does get to talking to the owner. Surprise, we talk to people everywhere. (I seem to remember a son of mine complaining to me "Mom - do you HAVE to talk to everyone?" Mm, yes. Yes I do.) Ruben obtains an old milk carton - ah! a perfect vessel to keep in your vehicle so you always have something to put water in because you NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED IT! - and fills it with water multiple times to fill the radiator.
We actually had a very pleasant chat with these people. It was in Kimberly, Alabama and the son who was working there was also going to be going to Lake Guntersville for the 4th.
The engine cools enough to drive and we head back towards the interstate to find the auto store. Mind you, I am very anxious about the state of the heat therein and I can smell that burning smell possibly only because I am expecting flames to leap out from under the hood. We get to the other side of the underpass and Ruben decides to stop at the gas station. We were going to consider our next step there and I was rather insistent that he buy some engine coolant PERIOD!
Now this was weird. Because, you know, none of what went before was out of the ordinary. Uh-huh. Ruben said to me, You know - that last time when I added liquid I could see like this glop of "cooked", if you will, anti-freeze kind of shoot out and I think it was blocking the valve which is what was causing this problem as no liquid was getting where it needed to be." Mm-hmm.
So now, AFTER we bought the engine coolant (okay, maybe I needed it more than the vehicle did), he thinks we're good. Okey-dokey. Well, I'm just along for the ride, baby. So whatever happens, happens.
For real, peeps! We hit the road and headed on up to Huntsville and have not had a problem at all with the radiator since!
I had been thinking that day of how truly thankful I am and how I do know my husband is also truly thankful that we are both positive people. Can you imagine having been with some gripe-y complain-y grumpy person in these circumstances? Okay, in any circumstances? NO!!
We had a great time in Huntsville. I visited with both of my sisters, my sweet Jim-Bob nephew came to see us, our bonus nephew Jake came by, we stopped at mom and dad's grave for a visit, we ate like kings, we laughed, we went up to the Lake House where oh, how lovely to have a cool enough morning that we had to go get blankies to enjoy the breezeway. Really - on the 4th of July!
Anyway, we had a lovely visit, we even laughed about the truck situation and we made it home again in fine form.
My son's mother-in-law had a health issue and I filled in watching our youngest grandson 'Luca for 4 weeks. I dearly love the little guy and, so saying, he is exhausting! Ah, these reminders of why God gives children to younger people!
Yes, I was tired and absolutely nothing got done in my house AND - Ruben and I had a blast with him. We would go most weekday mornings to Costco when they first opened to use our "Costco Gym membership" - which is what we call it; walking the outer perimeter of the inside of the store when they are not busy. 'Luca now knows more people at Costco than his parents do. In fact, his daddy took him to the store one day and several people stopped them, cooed and chatted with 'Luca and asked "Where are his grandparents?" We have decided that he sort of owns Costco now. He would wave and chatter and had some who were his particular favorites there. Oh, yes - he L-O-V-E-S "la macchina" - the sweeping machine that is kind of a Zamboni for concrete floors. He would get so excited when he heard and saw it. We would come home and get some lunch and nap and when he woke up have some watermelon and at any and all times during the day play and laugh and learn and have fun. He is a very busy little guy.
Ruben and I went up to Huntsville and Lake Guntersville, Alabama for the 4th of July, as has become our habit. We had a most interesting trip this time.
That morning (July 1st) as we were leaving, Ruben mentioned that he had been "a gallon" low on liquid in the radiator before we left. Hmm. That doesn't sound good.
Well, obviously, he had addressed the problem and we were off on our merry way. We were just north of Birmingham, several hours later, and making good time. We were singing along to the radio, chatting. laughing, enjoying the day when out of the blue my husband says "Oh, I need to pull over for a minute. The temperature gauge just went to extreme heat."
Oh. I see. So we pull over on the side of the road, the INTERSTATE, up goes the hood, and lo and behold there is some serious heat coming out from the engine. By the way, it is in the mid 90's, very humid and even though it is a Tuesday, there is a good bit of traffic on I-65 Northbound.
Sure that my husband has a container of water in the truck bed I ask about that. Wait a minute - this is hard for me to assimilate. My husband who always has a container of water with him not only does not have a container of water with him, he doesn't even have an empty container? What??? That makes no sense whatsoever!
Well, we do have 2 drink glasses from our stop at Hardee's for lunch (in case you don't know, Hardee's hamburgers are absolutely delicious. Dare I say, the best fast food burgers out there.), and I had brought a travel bottle of water which was about half full by now. Yeah, that is not enough to do any good. Also we had been meaning to get AMAC road service....
Well, this is not good. We have to wait for the engine to cool to try anything anyway, and did I mention that it was mid 90's and quite humid and we were on the side of the Interstate?
I texted my sweet baby sister with a photo of the truck on the side of the highway with its hood up and the text was "Don't freak out." Well, she was with her wonderful hubby, my b-i-l David. He is an aerospace engineer, and the master of we can handle this. He did immediately mention to us that we were only an hour or two from our destination and he would happily come get us if we needed to go that route. Okay, that is on the possibility list. In the meantime, what to do...
Out of the blue, or more accurately the grayish heat haze, an Alabama Power truck has pulled over on the side of the road and is backing up towards us. God bless these guys they get on the appropriate and required by their job safety vests and come to our assistance. I cannot now remember the guy's name but he had told us he had been broken down on this stretch of road before and had found out that the people who are supposed to provide assistance to stranded motorists (really - there is an agency that is supposed to do this in Alabama!) did NOT come along this stretch of the road. Great!
First of all he asks "Do you have a container for water or some engine coolant?" Yeah, well, that is a no. He gently chastises us and I swear this is probably the first time EVER since I have known my husband that we did NOT have either engine coolant/anti-freeze and/or a jug of or for water.
At any rate, he loads us up with what water they have available including giving us a bottle of drinking water - GREATLY appreciated by now as we had been out in the heat for probably about 30 to 45 minutes - and told us where to go.
Well, here is where you WANT someone to tell you where to go! You know - for assistance!
We take off towards the next exit and they follow us. We went to the right when we got off and they had wanted us to go left. They followed us again to get us back where they were directing us. Unfortunately, by this time (7 or 8 miles total later) the engine decides to go back into overheat again. We had pulled over in front of a little out of the way antique and collectible store which is ALL that was out there. We told them we were going to have to let the engine cool down again, got additional directions to the auto place they were attempting to direct us towards, thanked them and had to wait. So I go into the antique store and look around, Ruben joins me in a bit and we just have to wait it out. Ruben does get to talking to the owner. Surprise, we talk to people everywhere. (I seem to remember a son of mine complaining to me "Mom - do you HAVE to talk to everyone?" Mm, yes. Yes I do.) Ruben obtains an old milk carton - ah! a perfect vessel to keep in your vehicle so you always have something to put water in because you NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED IT! - and fills it with water multiple times to fill the radiator.
We actually had a very pleasant chat with these people. It was in Kimberly, Alabama and the son who was working there was also going to be going to Lake Guntersville for the 4th.
The engine cools enough to drive and we head back towards the interstate to find the auto store. Mind you, I am very anxious about the state of the heat therein and I can smell that burning smell possibly only because I am expecting flames to leap out from under the hood. We get to the other side of the underpass and Ruben decides to stop at the gas station. We were going to consider our next step there and I was rather insistent that he buy some engine coolant PERIOD!
Now this was weird. Because, you know, none of what went before was out of the ordinary. Uh-huh. Ruben said to me, You know - that last time when I added liquid I could see like this glop of "cooked", if you will, anti-freeze kind of shoot out and I think it was blocking the valve which is what was causing this problem as no liquid was getting where it needed to be." Mm-hmm.
So now, AFTER we bought the engine coolant (okay, maybe I needed it more than the vehicle did), he thinks we're good. Okey-dokey. Well, I'm just along for the ride, baby. So whatever happens, happens.
For real, peeps! We hit the road and headed on up to Huntsville and have not had a problem at all with the radiator since!
I had been thinking that day of how truly thankful I am and how I do know my husband is also truly thankful that we are both positive people. Can you imagine having been with some gripe-y complain-y grumpy person in these circumstances? Okay, in any circumstances? NO!!
We had a great time in Huntsville. I visited with both of my sisters, my sweet Jim-Bob nephew came to see us, our bonus nephew Jake came by, we stopped at mom and dad's grave for a visit, we ate like kings, we laughed, we went up to the Lake House where oh, how lovely to have a cool enough morning that we had to go get blankies to enjoy the breezeway. Really - on the 4th of July!
Anyway, we had a lovely visit, we even laughed about the truck situation and we made it home again in fine form.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Halcyon Days - part 2
Well! A year later!!
Let's finish what I started, shall I?
I am living halcyon days...
A continuing litany of those to whom I am grateful
My sisters
Nancy - with her own busy family schedule - kept me in her loop of prayer and conversation and I know she loves me, just as I love her.
Thanks for sustaining me to my baby sister Linda.
Linda - who "gets me" like no one else in the world, with a smaller family was able to be more active. She and David, my brother-in-law, and my favorite youngest nephew Malcolm came to see me shortly after my first chemo cocktail infusion. They were absolutely not going to stay here but at a nearby hotel because it would just have been too much for me so soon after the mastectomy and chemo. Okay, let's face it - there is nothing "nearby" my house. It's 3 miles down the road to the nearest business which is a gas station. That is also the nearest traffic light. They needed to know I was okay and I actually needed to have them stay here. There is room and I convinced Linda - stay for one night here and if it really is too much for me then you could go to a hotel. Hee hee, there was no way I was going to let them go to a hotel. I showed her my site. I needed to show someone who loves me and who herself had been through a surgery that made her feel helpless. Yes, hers was a hip replacement but you catch my drift. She encouraged me when she saw it and helped me start to move away from seeing it as only "the technicolor, three dimensional topographic map of a nightmare railroad crash scene from a horror movie" that I saw it to be.
Later during my recovery period she saved my life every day. Oh, not in the sense that I was physically dieing, but I did have a time where I was sinking and so very much in need of her buoying me up. We would chat every single evening. She told me one night "You know what you need? You need a bed time story." "I do???" "Yes," she said, "you do." She proceeded to start reading me Junie B, First Grader. We laughed our behinds off. Grr, blabberlips, I love you.
No one "gets me" the way Linda does. No one. She claims I am an easy audience but she makes me laugh SO HARD! We will be visiting and giggling and suddenly Linda and I realize that David has separated us. This is most likely for the best and it amuses us greatly.
One visit we had all gone up to their lake house in Lake Guntersville, AL. Linda and I were walking from our car up to the store - "the Pig" as she likes to call it. A red pickup truck drove past and Linda smiled and waved most energetically at the driver, who waved back with that "oh man, who is that again?" look on her face. Linda commented to me "She has no idea who I am. That's because I don't know her." I am sitting here typing this and laughing so hard my sides ache just remembering that. "Don't you do that?" she asks. No, can't say as I do.
Hey, we enjoyed it!
My sweet nephew Jamie. This child was 101st Airborne, 1BCT, 2nd Btln, Delta Demons (well, they can't all be Bravo Bayonets) and was stationed in Afghanistan. His unit was under great duress. They lost several brothers in arms. As a former blue star mom, I know what his mom was going through and I know the fear I felt for him and his comrades. Your heart bleeds with worry and compassion and fear for them, indeed for all our military heroes. Never having been in theater I cannot feel THAT, but oh how I feel the care of it from a mom's heart. This child IN AFGHANISTAN - IN WAR - IN HELL was worried about his aunt Melanie. How sweet a heart is that? How caring and loving a spirit is that?
He came to visit me with his then fiancee, now wife Megan because he wanted to be sure I was doing okay. He is in my heart and my prayers every day, my "Jim-Bob" - every day.
My uncle Dave and aunt Jo, and my Louisiana cousins - During my treatment, uncle & aunt wanted to be in my heart and sent me a check to get SOMETHING that would cheer me, would remind me that they love me and were praying for me. Now I love a good wind chime. Did I mention I LOVE a good wind chime? Poor hubby patiently and with a bit of a grin on his face tolerates with humor my constant quest for GOOD wind chimes. I cannot pass a display of them without testing... So I bought a wonderful wind chime that hangs on my back porch and which, of course from the wind, and from every time I chime it resonates with this wonderful, sweet sound lingering in the air like a prayer wending its way heavenward. I LOVE IT!!!!!! I have one from Linda, one from uncle Dave & aunt Jo, and one from Rebecca and they are all different tones but each of them lingers in the air like the sweet aroma of a fragrant flower.
When I had progressed to being up to making a small trip I was made welcome in Abita Springs for a visit with Dave & Jo in all my then hairless glory. My cousins also were welcoming and kind and I didn't feel like I was being stared at for being this strangely bald weirdo, you know? Well, you don't really know, but just go with it. I was surrounded by loving support and kindness.
My dear friends Isolde and Nino. How many times Isolde would cook for me and just love me. Nino was among the first outside of my immediate family with whom I felt comfortable removing my hat. He looked at me and said in his charming Italian accent, "Oh, that is so cute! You look just so cute!"
There were others who helped love me through this trial. Because it was a trial. It was a walking through fire - and I have come out the other side with scars that are not so very bad! With God's grace and loving mercy I have been strengthened and blessed and I hope I am his instrument DAILY of beauty and grace. I will stop here with this entry of gratitude. I just hope that every one who is NOT mentioned understands that I do value and cherish each kind thought, each prayer, every meal, every inquiry after my well being. If I don't stop now, I could go on and on for many many more PAGES!!
Let's finish what I started, shall I?
I am living halcyon days...
A continuing litany of those to whom I am grateful
My sisters
Nancy - with her own busy family schedule - kept me in her loop of prayer and conversation and I know she loves me, just as I love her.
Thanks for sustaining me to my baby sister Linda.
Linda - who "gets me" like no one else in the world, with a smaller family was able to be more active. She and David, my brother-in-law, and my favorite youngest nephew Malcolm came to see me shortly after my first chemo cocktail infusion. They were absolutely not going to stay here but at a nearby hotel because it would just have been too much for me so soon after the mastectomy and chemo. Okay, let's face it - there is nothing "nearby" my house. It's 3 miles down the road to the nearest business which is a gas station. That is also the nearest traffic light. They needed to know I was okay and I actually needed to have them stay here. There is room and I convinced Linda - stay for one night here and if it really is too much for me then you could go to a hotel. Hee hee, there was no way I was going to let them go to a hotel. I showed her my site. I needed to show someone who loves me and who herself had been through a surgery that made her feel helpless. Yes, hers was a hip replacement but you catch my drift. She encouraged me when she saw it and helped me start to move away from seeing it as only "the technicolor, three dimensional topographic map of a nightmare railroad crash scene from a horror movie" that I saw it to be.
Later during my recovery period she saved my life every day. Oh, not in the sense that I was physically dieing, but I did have a time where I was sinking and so very much in need of her buoying me up. We would chat every single evening. She told me one night "You know what you need? You need a bed time story." "I do???" "Yes," she said, "you do." She proceeded to start reading me Junie B, First Grader. We laughed our behinds off. Grr, blabberlips, I love you.
If you have never read any books in this series - which, by the way, I later bought the complete set - Junie B is a most horribly behaved little girl that is in sore need of some correction. However, as a character in a book you can just laugh at. My brother-in-law walked in on Linda on the phone one evening, saw her with the book and asked "You aren't reading that to Melanie, are you?" "Yes, I am." "Oh." He left the room and we both giggled.
No one "gets me" the way Linda does. No one. She claims I am an easy audience but she makes me laugh SO HARD! We will be visiting and giggling and suddenly Linda and I realize that David has separated us. This is most likely for the best and it amuses us greatly.
One visit we had all gone up to their lake house in Lake Guntersville, AL. Linda and I were walking from our car up to the store - "the Pig" as she likes to call it. A red pickup truck drove past and Linda smiled and waved most energetically at the driver, who waved back with that "oh man, who is that again?" look on her face. Linda commented to me "She has no idea who I am. That's because I don't know her." I am sitting here typing this and laughing so hard my sides ache just remembering that. "Don't you do that?" she asks. No, can't say as I do.
Hey, we enjoyed it!
My sweet nephew Jamie. This child was 101st Airborne, 1BCT, 2nd Btln, Delta Demons (well, they can't all be Bravo Bayonets) and was stationed in Afghanistan. His unit was under great duress. They lost several brothers in arms. As a former blue star mom, I know what his mom was going through and I know the fear I felt for him and his comrades. Your heart bleeds with worry and compassion and fear for them, indeed for all our military heroes. Never having been in theater I cannot feel THAT, but oh how I feel the care of it from a mom's heart. This child IN AFGHANISTAN - IN WAR - IN HELL was worried about his aunt Melanie. How sweet a heart is that? How caring and loving a spirit is that?
He came to visit me with his then fiancee, now wife Megan because he wanted to be sure I was doing okay. He is in my heart and my prayers every day, my "Jim-Bob" - every day.
My uncle Dave and aunt Jo, and my Louisiana cousins - During my treatment, uncle & aunt wanted to be in my heart and sent me a check to get SOMETHING that would cheer me, would remind me that they love me and were praying for me. Now I love a good wind chime. Did I mention I LOVE a good wind chime? Poor hubby patiently and with a bit of a grin on his face tolerates with humor my constant quest for GOOD wind chimes. I cannot pass a display of them without testing... So I bought a wonderful wind chime that hangs on my back porch and which, of course from the wind, and from every time I chime it resonates with this wonderful, sweet sound lingering in the air like a prayer wending its way heavenward. I LOVE IT!!!!!! I have one from Linda, one from uncle Dave & aunt Jo, and one from Rebecca and they are all different tones but each of them lingers in the air like the sweet aroma of a fragrant flower.
When I had progressed to being up to making a small trip I was made welcome in Abita Springs for a visit with Dave & Jo in all my then hairless glory. My cousins also were welcoming and kind and I didn't feel like I was being stared at for being this strangely bald weirdo, you know? Well, you don't really know, but just go with it. I was surrounded by loving support and kindness.
My dear friends Isolde and Nino. How many times Isolde would cook for me and just love me. Nino was among the first outside of my immediate family with whom I felt comfortable removing my hat. He looked at me and said in his charming Italian accent, "Oh, that is so cute! You look just so cute!"
There were others who helped love me through this trial. Because it was a trial. It was a walking through fire - and I have come out the other side with scars that are not so very bad! With God's grace and loving mercy I have been strengthened and blessed and I hope I am his instrument DAILY of beauty and grace. I will stop here with this entry of gratitude. I just hope that every one who is NOT mentioned understands that I do value and cherish each kind thought, each prayer, every meal, every inquiry after my well being. If I don't stop now, I could go on and on for many many more PAGES!!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Memorial Day 2013
Before I write part 2 of my Halcyon Days post, I wanted to post this one to express appreciation to our fallen and to express patriotism.
Some people look down on that as being "corny" or something. This is something I just don't really understand.
I love this country. God Bless America. That is more than just a song - which makes me cry, by the way - it is absolutely a prayer for this nation.
I thank God every day that my own son and my own nephew did not pay the ultimate sacrifice. Selfish? Perhaps. And yet I know that every mother, every wife, every family member of a military man who survives feels exactly the same way.
Do we feel a little guilty at that relief? Yes. More than the guilt, however, is the gratitude that while we may even now be blue star family members, we are not gold star family members.
That is a club that no one wants to join. I absolutely give honor to every gold star family member.
In 2010, we visited Washington D.C. and it was absolutely an honor to visit Arlington National Cemetery. This is a beautiful cemetery. I had no desire whatsoever to visit the grave of JFK and most especially because "Teddy" was buried there. (Sorry any Kennedy fans - that younger brother was one evil piece of work.)
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, however, was our truest goal. We waited to see the changing of the guard ceremony. What a powerful and moving ceremony that is.
We looked out on what seems like an ocean of white military grave markers. And we thanked our Lord and Savior to be able to do so and to be able to look at them without what must surely be a bitter-sweet knowledge of one of our own being there.
It is an honor to be buried at Arlington. It is an honor to be buried at any military cemetery as it is a sign of your service to our nation. Arlington is special. There is limited space available and for most families in this country it is additionally an inconvenience. It is a sacrifice they may choose to make in order to give an additional respect and honor to their loved one who made the ultimate sacrifice.
Thank you to our fallen who lay at rest, wherever they may lay at rest. Thank you to the "Old Guard" who daily honor the unknowns and that for which the unknowns stand - all military men and women who served and died with honor. Thank you to all Gold Star family members for your loved ones. May they rest in peace, and may your hearts find peace in their sacrifice.
God Bless America.
Some people look down on that as being "corny" or something. This is something I just don't really understand.
I love this country. God Bless America. That is more than just a song - which makes me cry, by the way - it is absolutely a prayer for this nation.
I thank God every day that my own son and my own nephew did not pay the ultimate sacrifice. Selfish? Perhaps. And yet I know that every mother, every wife, every family member of a military man who survives feels exactly the same way.
Do we feel a little guilty at that relief? Yes. More than the guilt, however, is the gratitude that while we may even now be blue star family members, we are not gold star family members.
That is a club that no one wants to join. I absolutely give honor to every gold star family member.
In 2010, we visited Washington D.C. and it was absolutely an honor to visit Arlington National Cemetery. This is a beautiful cemetery. I had no desire whatsoever to visit the grave of JFK and most especially because "Teddy" was buried there. (Sorry any Kennedy fans - that younger brother was one evil piece of work.)
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, however, was our truest goal. We waited to see the changing of the guard ceremony. What a powerful and moving ceremony that is.
We looked out on what seems like an ocean of white military grave markers. And we thanked our Lord and Savior to be able to do so and to be able to look at them without what must surely be a bitter-sweet knowledge of one of our own being there.
It is an honor to be buried at Arlington. It is an honor to be buried at any military cemetery as it is a sign of your service to our nation. Arlington is special. There is limited space available and for most families in this country it is additionally an inconvenience. It is a sacrifice they may choose to make in order to give an additional respect and honor to their loved one who made the ultimate sacrifice.
Thank you to our fallen who lay at rest, wherever they may lay at rest. Thank you to the "Old Guard" who daily honor the unknowns and that for which the unknowns stand - all military men and women who served and died with honor. Thank you to all Gold Star family members for your loved ones. May they rest in peace, and may your hearts find peace in their sacrifice.
God Bless America.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Halcyon Days Part 1
2011and part of 2012 were so very hard - painful, frightening, worrisome. 2011 especially was like a black hole in my life.
I completed Herceptin infusion on April 19th and that event seemed to open up the world to me again. I went on a great trip with my beloved husband, I scheduled (and completed on July 10th of this year) my revision surgery. Beyond any of my control in 2012 - BOTH of my sons married --to lovely women who give them joy-- and I have three beautiful grandchildren!!
I feel like I can relax into life again.
I believe that I have expressed this before - but come on kids - I seem to have a mind like a steel sieve, leaking thoughts out all over the place that may or may not ever again resurface.
I have been graduated to every 6 months visiting my oncologist and my last CT scan was good - clear - and I no longer have to have any of them. I have an appointment to have my infusion port removed this Tuesday coming up. I am very excited about that, I must say! I have always hated my "alien space invader", as I have called it. Nonetheless - I plan on keeping the removed port. It has been suggested I should make it into a necklace. Hmm. Well, maybe.
I am living halcyon days.
Through very trying times I have persevered with a great network of loving support. My family has been so wonderful. I could see each step of the way how frightening this cancer battle has been for them! I was made strong through weakness because they stood in strength for me. I think they are even yet unaware of how they stood in strength for me, so I am going to say here and now.
My loving husband, Ruben
I knew he loved me before this. During and now after - I KNOW he loves me. He helped care for me when I needed it, even helping me with my surgical drains, which is no lovely thing to do. I know how much he worried over every step I took. Quite literally - the first time he left me at home alone he threatened me most severely with "If you fall, if you do anything that causes you any harm I will never leave you alone again." He meant it, too! Now, admittedly, I had passed out when I got up and went to sit on the edge of the tub once when he was going to help me with the drains. I had thought I just slipped and knocked my head on the edge of the tub. Seems, though, that I passed out and fell and hit my head on the edge of the tub and told myself that it was just a slip. He was there and fully conscious, though, so one must assume he had the more accurate picture. He has held me in quiet support when boo hoo sobbing overwhelmed me at the loss of everything that came with this particular package trip. He has laughed with me and loved me and somehow quite mysteriously still found me attractive. Indeed, he has still found me beautiful. I would shout it to the world from every rooftop, every mountaintop, every available stage - this man is the love of my life. This man is the knight in shining armor that my mother wanted me to find but that I never believed existed. He does, he is, and I love him - full throttle.
My sons, Dante and Troy.
Troy was here right before I had surgery for only a visit but drove me to the hospital for my pre-hospitalization stuff. Then he made me go to lunch with him and my ex-husband. On Valentine's Day. That was strange, huh? Well I didn't consider at all that it was Valentine's Day as there were many other things on my mind, yeah? Troy kept tabs on me as he could and I know he loves his mom by his "pestiferous" behavior, as my dad used to call it. I know he would have done more if he was able, and I hope he knows I know that.
Dante, bless his heart, was right here in town and was therefore able to help more. He was there waiting at the hospital with Ruben when I had surgery. Dante is a great worrier - sorry son, that you got double worry genes! In spite of - or perhaps, because of - this, he was anxious for my well being and I must thank him for his actions thereof.
Men are most comfortable with fixing things, taking action, doing what they can as contrasted with just being there. Dante forbade me from doing the kitty litter. For 18 months he faithfully would come over, do his laundry, hang out and change the kitty litter boxes for me. Could I have done it earlier? Well, yes, but this was a way for him to demonstrate his love for me and I valued it. He and his brother teased and laughed with me, related other people's concerns for my situation to me, talked with me and loved me through it.
My sweet friend and "private nurse" Darlene
The night of my surgery, Darlene insisted she would stay with me in the hospital. Darlene is a nurse herself and she wanted to be sure I was properly taken care of and looked after. I was admittedly a bit groggy during much of this night. I could taste the anesthetic in me. FOUL! Darlene would ask me if I was okay because I was determined to get that nasty sleep gas OUT of me and I would exhale deeply. You know that is gas that will have to escape your body somehow and if you don't exhale it - it will give you extreme cramps as it finds its way into your abdomen. We neither one of us slept well that night but we'd waken and chat as she kept watch over me like my own angel. At one point in the night the street light was shining SO brightly right in our eyes through the window and we talked about that to realize that we were, after all, on the seventh floor and it was a full moon shining in at us. We laughed about that truly blonde moment!! We both were very much impressed about the nurses on the "cancer floor" and I know she felt confident I was getting very good care there.
I will keep the rest of this post for another day - I want to start my moving forward NOW, and too long a post will inhibit both readership and my writing it as well.
I completed Herceptin infusion on April 19th and that event seemed to open up the world to me again. I went on a great trip with my beloved husband, I scheduled (and completed on July 10th of this year) my revision surgery. Beyond any of my control in 2012 - BOTH of my sons married --to lovely women who give them joy-- and I have three beautiful grandchildren!!
I feel like I can relax into life again.
I believe that I have expressed this before - but come on kids - I seem to have a mind like a steel sieve, leaking thoughts out all over the place that may or may not ever again resurface.
I have been graduated to every 6 months visiting my oncologist and my last CT scan was good - clear - and I no longer have to have any of them. I have an appointment to have my infusion port removed this Tuesday coming up. I am very excited about that, I must say! I have always hated my "alien space invader", as I have called it. Nonetheless - I plan on keeping the removed port. It has been suggested I should make it into a necklace. Hmm. Well, maybe.
I am living halcyon days.
Through very trying times I have persevered with a great network of loving support. My family has been so wonderful. I could see each step of the way how frightening this cancer battle has been for them! I was made strong through weakness because they stood in strength for me. I think they are even yet unaware of how they stood in strength for me, so I am going to say here and now.
My loving husband, Ruben
I knew he loved me before this. During and now after - I KNOW he loves me. He helped care for me when I needed it, even helping me with my surgical drains, which is no lovely thing to do. I know how much he worried over every step I took. Quite literally - the first time he left me at home alone he threatened me most severely with "If you fall, if you do anything that causes you any harm I will never leave you alone again." He meant it, too! Now, admittedly, I had passed out when I got up and went to sit on the edge of the tub once when he was going to help me with the drains. I had thought I just slipped and knocked my head on the edge of the tub. Seems, though, that I passed out and fell and hit my head on the edge of the tub and told myself that it was just a slip. He was there and fully conscious, though, so one must assume he had the more accurate picture. He has held me in quiet support when boo hoo sobbing overwhelmed me at the loss of everything that came with this particular package trip. He has laughed with me and loved me and somehow quite mysteriously still found me attractive. Indeed, he has still found me beautiful. I would shout it to the world from every rooftop, every mountaintop, every available stage - this man is the love of my life. This man is the knight in shining armor that my mother wanted me to find but that I never believed existed. He does, he is, and I love him - full throttle.
My sons, Dante and Troy.
Troy was here right before I had surgery for only a visit but drove me to the hospital for my pre-hospitalization stuff. Then he made me go to lunch with him and my ex-husband. On Valentine's Day. That was strange, huh? Well I didn't consider at all that it was Valentine's Day as there were many other things on my mind, yeah? Troy kept tabs on me as he could and I know he loves his mom by his "pestiferous" behavior, as my dad used to call it. I know he would have done more if he was able, and I hope he knows I know that.
Dante, bless his heart, was right here in town and was therefore able to help more. He was there waiting at the hospital with Ruben when I had surgery. Dante is a great worrier - sorry son, that you got double worry genes! In spite of - or perhaps, because of - this, he was anxious for my well being and I must thank him for his actions thereof.
Men are most comfortable with fixing things, taking action, doing what they can as contrasted with just being there. Dante forbade me from doing the kitty litter. For 18 months he faithfully would come over, do his laundry, hang out and change the kitty litter boxes for me. Could I have done it earlier? Well, yes, but this was a way for him to demonstrate his love for me and I valued it. He and his brother teased and laughed with me, related other people's concerns for my situation to me, talked with me and loved me through it.
My sweet friend and "private nurse" Darlene
The night of my surgery, Darlene insisted she would stay with me in the hospital. Darlene is a nurse herself and she wanted to be sure I was properly taken care of and looked after. I was admittedly a bit groggy during much of this night. I could taste the anesthetic in me. FOUL! Darlene would ask me if I was okay because I was determined to get that nasty sleep gas OUT of me and I would exhale deeply. You know that is gas that will have to escape your body somehow and if you don't exhale it - it will give you extreme cramps as it finds its way into your abdomen. We neither one of us slept well that night but we'd waken and chat as she kept watch over me like my own angel. At one point in the night the street light was shining SO brightly right in our eyes through the window and we talked about that to realize that we were, after all, on the seventh floor and it was a full moon shining in at us. We laughed about that truly blonde moment!! We both were very much impressed about the nurses on the "cancer floor" and I know she felt confident I was getting very good care there.
I will keep the rest of this post for another day - I want to start my moving forward NOW, and too long a post will inhibit both readership and my writing it as well.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Mimi to the Third Power
I have had a post floating around in my head about the halcyon days I am living for some time now. That post will have to wait a little bit longer. I am overwriting it with this one about some of my more particular blessings....
After a tough patch - which, if you have been reading this blog, you know about - 2012 started bringing in some rather pronounced blessings.
Even while the difficult period still lingered, my younger son got married early in the year. My dear husband and I took a long awaited and much needed vacation out West (which was a blast!) My beautiful, precious granddaughter was born. She carries as her middle name my mother's name, which lends an additional sweetness to her arrival to we three sisters. We took a trip up to NJ to meet her and visit the little family. Bless her then little colicky heart! Alleluia she is not plagued with colic any more! My older son got married. That brought us as well a 4 year old grandson. So funny - 4 is quite an age. Oh - did I mention that both my daughters-in-law are lovely women. Not just outside, INSIDE. My sons seem settled and happy. This year it continues. Troy, Elisa, and Annachiara came for a visit. My newest grandson was born a week ago.
Annachiara -- now just shy of 8 months old. She seems like a happy little baby girl, prone to giggling and shining brightly out of her sweet little face. Her sweet little dimpled face. Oooh - mama and papa - watch out for those little mischief dimples.
Tristan - 4 years old and full of curiosity and, as my mom used to say, "pus and vinegar". He has excellent communication skills, and a sweet nature. He is, of course, 4 years old which also means he will try you to the maximum extent of his persuasive skills and charm. Ah, well do I remember having to chastise my own two and then leaving the room to laugh so as NOT to okay unacceptable behavior. They are so funny at 4.
Luca - So tiny and dear, this little guy who has his daddy's miniaturized face - and worried look. Wow - a week old today!
I also have two granddaughters in waiting. My dear husband's oldest daughter is planning on wedding soon enough (or not soon enough) and will bring me a 12 year old and a 10 year old as granddaughters - Angelina and Makinzie. We are starting to get to know them a bit at a time and I can not help but reflect how amusing it is that all ages and stages are covered sort of at once. That is, from diapers to ballet recitals (soon) and such. From "football" (which really means "chase me, chase me") and hide and go seek in the back yard to "lady luncheons" and girly movies to cuddle time with infants in arms all within the same week even.
I am so grateful for so many blessings. I am grateful for even those very difficult times which God turns into blessings.
After a tough patch - which, if you have been reading this blog, you know about - 2012 started bringing in some rather pronounced blessings.
Even while the difficult period still lingered, my younger son got married early in the year. My dear husband and I took a long awaited and much needed vacation out West (which was a blast!) My beautiful, precious granddaughter was born. She carries as her middle name my mother's name, which lends an additional sweetness to her arrival to we three sisters. We took a trip up to NJ to meet her and visit the little family. Bless her then little colicky heart! Alleluia she is not plagued with colic any more! My older son got married. That brought us as well a 4 year old grandson. So funny - 4 is quite an age. Oh - did I mention that both my daughters-in-law are lovely women. Not just outside, INSIDE. My sons seem settled and happy. This year it continues. Troy, Elisa, and Annachiara came for a visit. My newest grandson was born a week ago.
Annachiara -- now just shy of 8 months old. She seems like a happy little baby girl, prone to giggling and shining brightly out of her sweet little face. Her sweet little dimpled face. Oooh - mama and papa - watch out for those little mischief dimples.
Tristan - 4 years old and full of curiosity and, as my mom used to say, "pus and vinegar". He has excellent communication skills, and a sweet nature. He is, of course, 4 years old which also means he will try you to the maximum extent of his persuasive skills and charm. Ah, well do I remember having to chastise my own two and then leaving the room to laugh so as NOT to okay unacceptable behavior. They are so funny at 4.
Luca - So tiny and dear, this little guy who has his daddy's miniaturized face - and worried look. Wow - a week old today!
I also have two granddaughters in waiting. My dear husband's oldest daughter is planning on wedding soon enough (or not soon enough) and will bring me a 12 year old and a 10 year old as granddaughters - Angelina and Makinzie. We are starting to get to know them a bit at a time and I can not help but reflect how amusing it is that all ages and stages are covered sort of at once. That is, from diapers to ballet recitals (soon) and such. From "football" (which really means "chase me, chase me") and hide and go seek in the back yard to "lady luncheons" and girly movies to cuddle time with infants in arms all within the same week even.
I am so grateful for so many blessings. I am grateful for even those very difficult times which God turns into blessings.
Monday, February 4, 2013
A Tale of Cherry Pie And Other Luscious Treats
A number of years ago I had decided to make a cherry pie for dessert.
I had the oven pre-heated, the rest of the meal was in the works, the crusts rolled out and ready to be used.
As you may know, it requires TWO cans of cherry pie filling to make a cherry pie. I opened one can and poured it into the waiting pie crust. I took the plastic lid off of the other can so I could pop it open for use only to discover it somehow had an imperfection in its closing and the filling had started leaking out by the pop top ring and there was green mold growing on it.
Dang.
I was far enough along in the process to not have time to stop everything, go to the store, buy another can and get back home in time for this pie to be ready for eating that evening. There were no other pie fillings in the house. Doggone it...
Oh, wait! I did have something else I could use to fill it out and make a full pie.
So I opened up the jar and put some in the cherry pie filling, lovingly placed the top crust on and baked it - hoping for the best.
I did not mention to anyone what I had done and I really should tell you that I am laughing out loud thinking of this misadventure right now, making it a little tricky to type!
So the pie bakes up in its own lovely pie-ness (new word) and cools for consumption.
We eat our meal which I can not begin to tell you what we had to eat for the meal. This cherry pie story completely overwhelms the rest of the meal.
I bring the pie out and cut and serve it. The hubby (Ruben) and both sons, Dante and Troy are looking forward to dessert with great appetite. We just don't have dessert every night and this is a treat.
Troy plows in to his pie (he's maybe 15 or 16 here), chews thoughtfully and asks me "What kind of pie is this?"
"It's cherry pie." I respond with a straight face and in a serious tone.
He takes another bite, chews it and is obviously trying to figure out what IS that other flavor in there? "Cherry and what else?" he finally asks.
Okay I have to admit that at this point keeping a straight face is pretty much out of the question as he has a look on his face that screams a belief he is somehow being duped.
I start laughing as I say "Mincemeat." My explanation as to my resorting to mincemeat is so ignored. I like mincemeat, personally. My sons - oh not so much.
Roll forward these several years. Cherry - mincemeat pie is NOT forgotten. I receive many reminders from my sons over the years and we actually all laugh about it. So on Friday (2/1/2013) I get on SKYPE with Troy and he starts relating a story to me.
His opening commentary is "Well, I have a story to top the cherry-mincemeat pie, mom. That was really mean by the way."
It was NOT mean - you just read my explanation!!
Troy continued. "I made us lunch today. We had some gnocchi, I made a salad for the lady (as he frequently refers to my lovely daughter-in-law) and we were both in the mood for some dessert. So I go into the kitchen, cut this chocolate in half to share it equally, and I take a bite out of mine." He holds up the two pieces and you can clearly see there is a bite out of part of it.
"Then I think, hmm. This is not chocolate. Oh - it's soap!"
When we had gone on our vacation out West last year I had run across the cutest little white bear shaped soaps at Yellowstone and I bought two Buffalo shaped soaps for Dante and Troy as well. I had put them aside as little stocking-stuffers for them.
Troy CLAIMED that these several hours later his tongue was still numb from the bite of soap. Come on - have you ever in your life seen chocolate wrapped in ONLY cellophane with no label on it? Food always has some label on it.
I guess this will also go down with the charcoal cookies I bake all of the time. STOP!! I am actually a good cook. ONE SINGLE time I put cookies back in the oven for just one minute more and completely forgot about them. They did look like charcoal when I remembered. But that was one single time!!!
Family. Let's share those good times.
Remember to check for your food labels!
I had the oven pre-heated, the rest of the meal was in the works, the crusts rolled out and ready to be used.
As you may know, it requires TWO cans of cherry pie filling to make a cherry pie. I opened one can and poured it into the waiting pie crust. I took the plastic lid off of the other can so I could pop it open for use only to discover it somehow had an imperfection in its closing and the filling had started leaking out by the pop top ring and there was green mold growing on it.
Dang.
I was far enough along in the process to not have time to stop everything, go to the store, buy another can and get back home in time for this pie to be ready for eating that evening. There were no other pie fillings in the house. Doggone it...
Oh, wait! I did have something else I could use to fill it out and make a full pie.
So I opened up the jar and put some in the cherry pie filling, lovingly placed the top crust on and baked it - hoping for the best.
I did not mention to anyone what I had done and I really should tell you that I am laughing out loud thinking of this misadventure right now, making it a little tricky to type!
So the pie bakes up in its own lovely pie-ness (new word) and cools for consumption.
We eat our meal which I can not begin to tell you what we had to eat for the meal. This cherry pie story completely overwhelms the rest of the meal.
I bring the pie out and cut and serve it. The hubby (Ruben) and both sons, Dante and Troy are looking forward to dessert with great appetite. We just don't have dessert every night and this is a treat.
Troy plows in to his pie (he's maybe 15 or 16 here), chews thoughtfully and asks me "What kind of pie is this?"
"It's cherry pie." I respond with a straight face and in a serious tone.
He takes another bite, chews it and is obviously trying to figure out what IS that other flavor in there? "Cherry and what else?" he finally asks.
Okay I have to admit that at this point keeping a straight face is pretty much out of the question as he has a look on his face that screams a belief he is somehow being duped.
I start laughing as I say "Mincemeat." My explanation as to my resorting to mincemeat is so ignored. I like mincemeat, personally. My sons - oh not so much.
Roll forward these several years. Cherry - mincemeat pie is NOT forgotten. I receive many reminders from my sons over the years and we actually all laugh about it. So on Friday (2/1/2013) I get on SKYPE with Troy and he starts relating a story to me.
His opening commentary is "Well, I have a story to top the cherry-mincemeat pie, mom. That was really mean by the way."
It was NOT mean - you just read my explanation!!
Troy continued. "I made us lunch today. We had some gnocchi, I made a salad for the lady (as he frequently refers to my lovely daughter-in-law) and we were both in the mood for some dessert. So I go into the kitchen, cut this chocolate in half to share it equally, and I take a bite out of mine." He holds up the two pieces and you can clearly see there is a bite out of part of it.
"Then I think, hmm. This is not chocolate. Oh - it's soap!"
When we had gone on our vacation out West last year I had run across the cutest little white bear shaped soaps at Yellowstone and I bought two Buffalo shaped soaps for Dante and Troy as well. I had put them aside as little stocking-stuffers for them.
Troy CLAIMED that these several hours later his tongue was still numb from the bite of soap. Come on - have you ever in your life seen chocolate wrapped in ONLY cellophane with no label on it? Food always has some label on it.
I guess this will also go down with the charcoal cookies I bake all of the time. STOP!! I am actually a good cook. ONE SINGLE time I put cookies back in the oven for just one minute more and completely forgot about them. They did look like charcoal when I remembered. But that was one single time!!!
Family. Let's share those good times.
Remember to check for your food labels!
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