*#%*@, That Hurt!

Today I went to radiation (treatment # 11) and to be re-marked.

If you recall, I am very colorful now with dots and marks all over me where they target the radiation. It was time to move the marks in order to change the center a little bit. This will minimize the chance of having "cold" spots in the middle of the target, thereby increasing the effectiveness of radiation.

The problem arises because my neck is really bothering me right now. The form that is made at the beginning of this process is to hold you in the correct position to expose the maximum target area. It has no connection to comfort or actual support for your body.

So imagine yourself on a flat metal table - they do provide a form into which or more accurately, onto which you place your legs. This does ease some burden on your back but its true purpose is to help you hold still in the right position. You sit down and swing your legs up onto the table and then you have to find exactly where your head and arms go and lie down. Oops, I forgot. You have to slip your arms out of the "gown" prior to lying down so the techs can move it out of the way in order to radiate.

So there I am with my neck hurting, pulling muscles that do NOT want to be pulled - to the degree that I literally hold my head in my hands to place it in the "rack." I have to turn my head towards the left, away from the focus of the machine, and up a bit while at the same time both arms are raised up above my head and hands folded sort of around each other.

Now if radiation only took as long as radiation actually takes it should be no problem. That is about 2 minutes.

But it ALWAYS takes longer than the actual radiation. First you have to be checked to be absolutely certain you are in the correct position. Then you have to be moved up or down or - oh it's always SOME where - to be ready for the rays.

Today, while I am desperately trying to surrender to the pain - and not really succeeding very well, and then trying to breathe through it, I am getting new marks placed on my chest wall and it is taking sooooome time. And it is hurting, hurting, hurting.

Monday when I had gone in, I must admit my neck was actually much worse than today. I have treated with tylenol and hot packs and breathing and exercises to stretch (gently) and strengthen and actually have met with some success.

Today, though, even with improvement was quite trying. Kathy and Dutch, my radiology techs, really are nice and they try to be quick. However, by dint of my neck not being quite right it is harder to get me in just the right position, then marking, then they had to take pictures and, oh yes - some Doctor had to advise. This was not my doctor today, and I know he was trying to inform and be helpful.

I, however, really felt like saying to him "DUDE!! I understand what is going on, Dutch & Kathy & Dr. Newman have already advised me and I am in pain so could you just hurry the heck up and don't talk to me???? Please??"

Good manners, however - thanks mom - kept me silent and by the time the process was done I was in tears.

I really am not a cry baby and I certainly like to fancy myself stalwart and strong - even in my weakness and vulnerabilities. But I just couldn't keep my eyes from leaking.

I've heard it said that when you offer up your suffering, etc. -- oh you can sure tell my Catholicism there! -- some poor soul benefits. Somebody might have made it to Heaven today.