Fold Them Like a Taco

I decided it was time to do something about the gordian knot of my physical aspect.

As you may or may not know, a gordian knot is impossible to unravel. The definition is "an exceedingly complicated problem or deadlock" AND it is a metaphor for an exceedingly difficult problem solved by a bold stroke (cutting the gordian knot).

I have yet to determine what is the bold stroke required to fix the issues that are connected to, well, the issues of breast cancer, bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, self-image. Oh, I could go on -- and ON. Thus, you see, why it is a gordian knot.

Nonetheless, I decided one thing I could do was see the "Image Recovery Specialist" at the TMH Cancer Center.

Wrap your head around that for a minute - "Image Recovery Specialist"..... As if one could just pick it up and regain your self image. Well, it certainly sounds good in theory!

Don't get me wrong - there is a part of me that feels like I am absolutely fabulous!! I put a good face on it all and present to others as if I 100% feel positive. Sometimes I actually feel that way, too -- positive, feminine, beautiful. Okay that whole feminine thing - that girly part of me - that actually is a major part of who I am. I just AM a girly kind of girl. But I look in the mirror and I see the shocking (still) change to my body and it can hit pretty hard. It sucker punches you and every single day you know - I have to fight this, I have to look beyond the initial physical appearance and remember that I own beauty.

It is, you see, NOT pretty. Oh, I no longer feel that I am a technicolor 3-D topographical map of a nightmare train scene from a horror movie. But I DID feel that way.

I still do not feel beauty in my self, in my body, in my spirit. Because this is not how a woman is supposed to look.

I fully grasp that this is a transitional body. I know - I can see the difference in the body I had on February 17th, 2011 (one day post surgery) and the body I have today. However, I also clearly see the difference in the body I have today and the body I had on February 15th, 2011.

So - I went for prosthetics. THAT is what the Image Recovery Specialist does. I must say that is a far better title than, say, Artificial Temporary Body Part Specialist. Yeah?

Now, I will tell you that I had to present my case, my argument as to why I wanted to be a "B cup" - which I think is actually just about the perfect size to be!

Argument 1 - I am on Weight Watchers and determined to get down to the size I deem healthy, comfortable and sustainable. As I lose weight, the prosthetics will not. Therefore within a few months, these imitation girls will be too big.

Argument 2 - I have been big, endowed, stacked, whatever you want to call it. My goodness, those girls were everywhere!!!

With a B cup you can actually button a blouse without having to resort to safety pinning everything together. You can actually go shopping and find things that fit and not have to worry about clothing staying in place. You don't have to consider "wait a minute - doesn't this fit like it has neon flashing arrows pointing out how big my boobs are?" which you DO have to consider when you are larger. You don't have to size up - and up - even though you should be able to wear a smaller size - in order to accommodate "the girls". You actually get to find pretty undergarments that come in plenty of colors and patterns and styles instead of having to make do and STRUGGLE to find something that does NOT make you feel like someone's unattractive grandmother.

So - I have prosthetics and prosthetic bras so I can wear them pretty much whenever I want to.

Of course, after going for 10 months without them I have found that it's really pretty convenient and comfortable to not have those things in my way!

And of course - did I mention how nice it is to no longer feel - after 41 years of feeling this way -- like I should say to every man I meet "Hey - I'm about a foot higher and they ain't gonna talk to you!"?

Because that does feel nice. I still sometimes feel like men are looking at my chest - but now I kind of smirk internally and think "I am about a foot higher you dork and they are SURE not gonna talk to you now - since they are NOT THERE!"

When Karen - the specialist - was instructing me how to put the prosthetics in place and fitting me for a bra, etc., she showed me how to insert the device in question into the bras. I have one for each side, obviously, and they each store conveniently in their own box. They are kind of teardrop shaped, somewhat heavy, and they feel very much like they should feel. So she tells me "You pick it up and just fold it like a taco to insert it into the bra. Then once it's in, its own weight will straighten it out."

I thought that was pretty funny and it actually is an excellent way to describe what you need to do.

I have only worn them a few times. There are days when I feel like I want to present that feminine aspect to the world in a physical, actual way and on those days I take them out of their boxes and slip them into their bra and wear them. And then I get home and am SO happy to take them off!! My goodness - these things feel like they weigh a ton!!! Here is the thing - I selected lighter weight ones than originally tendered and I know for a fact these weigh considerably less than what I had 24-7 before the surgery!!

I keep working on this and I know additionally that I have to discover a new style of dressing than I had before because this body is different than the one I used to dress. I will get there from here - I just have to want to take the steps necessary and I don't always want to.

ON a humorous note - Right after my surgery - say a week or two, when I was able to get out for short trips, several people who saw me commented "Wow! You've lost a lot of weight." Completely oblivious that all I had lost was boobs!! So - great, you think boobs make a woman fat?!! Yeah, people kind of DO think that. Even though the cultural presentation is that a woman should have big boobs. Great - another conundrum which you (the culture at large) dump on women.

Well, for now - I think I will continue to mostly leave those little permanently perky things happily in their boxes. When I feel like it I will utilize them.

Tacos anyone?