The 3 Simple Rules

It is a beautiful day here today. It is supposed to get up to 83 degrees and then tomorrow we are expected to have thunder boomers - and lots of rain!
Tomorrow I have the MUGA test - what a name! It means Multiple Gate Acquisition - it tests the functionality of my heart. Is it pumping adequately.

Chemo starts Thursday. I am a little anxious about it. The CT scan indicated I have no "random" cancer elsewhere in my body - that is good. The bone scan indicated I have good strong, healthy bones - THAT is good. The MUGA, or heart scan WILL ( I insist) indicate that my heart is strong and healthy and pumping most fabulously! That will be good.

See, chemo is very, very bad for you. It is what will kill the cancer and greatly increase the likelihood I will stay alive and healthy, but it is very, very bad for you.

I am not going into all of the details here, gentle reader, as you will likely be bored and /or forget anyway.

I will tell you that my cancer is at least stage 3 - oh that's good "at least!!" - highly aggressive, and that I am firmly on the carousel of cancer treatment.

Yeah, yeah, I know - chemo hasn't started yet. Nonetheless I am firmly on the carousel, the attendants just haven't started the real ride yet....
I made cookies yesterday because I remembered how tasty they were when I made them in early January (accidentally discovering that Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies are WAY better than Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies!) and I figured I might want to enjoy that before I can't taste things very well!!

I have done my research and that is one of the many exciting potential - indeed, probable - side effects I will get while on this carnival ride...

I guess the real point of this post is to advise people who may (or may not) be interested about the suggested guidelines for how to talk to a cancer patient. These may be updated as I go through this ride.
1. Keep it simple, sincere, and in YOUR personal, actual experienced knowledge base. For example "I'm sorry to hear your news. If there is something I can do, please let me know, I will keep you in my prayers."
which leads directly to Rule 2
2. Do not under any circumstance feel free to share from what is NOT in YOUR personal, actual experienced knowledge base. For example "Oh, my neighbor/cousin/sister/some stranger I randomly met had exactly what you have and she/he (option1) never had a moment's problem with chemo! (option2) threw her guts up every minute of the day for 59 years, lost all her hair, was in acute agony for 90 years" etc., etc., etc. You get my drift.
3. It is all about me right now. This is for my survival and best interest.

Why do I post these 3 simple rules?
Rule 1 because this is ALWAYS the best tack to take. If I just hear a kind word of support, prayer offered, help offered - believe it or not that DOES help.
Rule 2 because - PEOPLE!!! I have researched my situation. I have spoken to my doctors. My husband and I are aware of what I can expect. You were not there. I have NOT told you everything - nor will I tell you everything. I am NOT stupid. This is momentous, and huge, and frightening what I face and YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS ENTAILED HEREIN.
GOODY for whoever you knew who had zero side effects. That is not me. And oh my goodness! Why would anyone in their right mind want to tell me worst case scenarios of something that they don't really know anything about????

I can eat an elephant one bite at a time. Do not tell me about the existence of the elephant or how big it is. BITE YOUR TONGUE!!! I assure you, I DO know what is ahead of me.

Rule 3 - It is all about me right now - I cannot help you feel better about your neighbor, friend, whoever. My job right now is 100% to take care of me. I cannot afford to care one whit about any of your problems in dealing with my situation. Sorry - but that is fact.

I am not, by nature, a selfish person and surely you are aware that women as a whole are socialized to be more concerned with others and to put ourselves at the bottom of the list. I am now #1. Frankly, I may stay up there at the top of my list. (It really is more like number 3 1/2 behind God, my husband, my sons.....)
It is NOT helpful for you to share how badly you feel about whatever. I cannot help you right now. It is NOT helpful to hear the horror stories OR the breezed through with flying colors stories. Leave them at the entrance BEFORE you come in to my circle.

What if I have zero side effects? YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!!!
What if I have every side effect known to womankind? Well fooey.
Surely somewhere in between is more likely.
I have noticed that people who have actually experienced cancer and chemo are supportive and NOT forthcoming with information unless asked specifically. They know. The wrong information can be crippling, debilitating, depressing. NOT HELPFUL.
They know - a kind word of support and offer of help is all it takes. It is encouraging. It is a battle that each individual has to fight on their own terms. Why on earth would you want to take away the weapons I must have in order to fight my battle?
I'm telling you now, you may be labeled a platypus (because a platypus just doesn't fit in anywhere) and I may have to ban you from my circle. I have already advised people who are in my inner circle that If I use code word platypus that means "Get this person away from me!! NOW!!!"
I don't mean this unkindly, I truly do not. I must be kind to Melanie first right now. I am going to assume that what ever you say to me your intention is one of support, love, encouragement, kindness. I am, however, going to claim the right of the warrior I must be to eject you as if you were an enemy when it endangers my success or attitude of health and peace and calm.
It is imperative that I guard my peace. It is imperative that I win this battle. I release you in love if you cannot play by my rules.
This is MY "game" and MY "rules" and MY battle.
The fight is on.