It is difficult to come to terms with a MAJOR change in your body. That is what this is; a MAJOR change in my body.
As you grow and age, your body changes over time. Gradually it changes from the body of a child to the body of a young woman. When you become pregnant, again, your body changes are gradual. Yes, I know, it sometimes FEELS as if you went from a 16-inch Scarlett O'Hara waist to being bigger than the entire planet - but that is FEELINGS. Don't trust them so much - they can mislead you.
So having gone through many changes over my lifetime, and fully understanding that none of them was instant change, but gradual, I come to this point in my life where I DID actually have a rapid, major change that for all intents and purposes was, indeed, instant. To me because I was unconscious, to my immediate supporters and family members because I was in the operating room. Three supporters - my husband, one of my sons and my daughter saw me prior to and then post surgery. For my other family members and friends who have seen me it also has been "instant"...
When you consider that I have had to deal with a profoundly and abundantly feminine body since I was 13 years old that means that for 40 PLUS years - I did say YEARS - I have had the feeling that surely every female on the planet has - the desire to say "HEY!! I'm about a foot higher than where you are looking and they are NOT going to talk to you!"
There is a certain relief in no longer having to deal with that issue that underlies all of my feelings about this "new" body. Okay, there is one for the plus column!
I know that this is a transitional phase for me, physically as well as emotionally and psychologically. It is just not always possible to wrap your mind around that.
The best description I can come up with is - I am the universe. Each of us is "the universe" and so from MY perspective I am the universe. I hold all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, I am the connection to every other thing in my world, every thing that is reality comes into life and reality when I encounter it and interact with it, otherwise it is merely concept. Every one that I love is in my heart and alive because I love and am alive. I hope you follow that to understand my perspective. I am not saying I am God, I am saying God is in me and my charge is to connect and bring to life God in everything and everyone. That is the charge EACH of us has - to be who God designed and created us to be. We are solid and physical and very "real" and yet at the same time we are nebulous, ether, intangible - vapor on the wind, and both vapor and the wind all at the same time. We can choose to be the light we are intended to be or we can be darkness.
This physical reality in which I now exist - my metaphysical universe - has this huge hole in it now. This place of emptiness where once there was something. A hole has been torn in the presence of my existing that will always be there - even when it isn't there any more. A place in the starfield of what I am where there are no stars, no light, no anything but there used to be. If you could reach out and touch this place in the universe you couldn't touch it, it is a cessation of being. And it is not.
I will find a balance here, I know. There is healing going on physically and I am working on the rest of it... There isn't a "right" way to do this, there is only doing this, walking towards where I need to be and finding so many blessings along the way.
I have been showered with many kindnesses and support. Many friends have made meals for us and I know some really good cooks!! I have been prayed for and I do value and I feel the support of those prayers - from around the world!! I am flooded by love from so many - from people I don't even know - sweet Elisa's family in Italy prays for me and sends me kind messages - grazie, cara, mille grazie. I have been blessed with a husband who is entirely supportive and patient and kind and empathetic for me. My children, my sisters and extended family have been wonderful.
I am aware of my blessings and so grateful for them. It's a day above ground and that's a good day.
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