Box it up and move it out of here!

Cancer, that is.

There are ways in which that is exactly what I have done. In the EARLY days of this, I was given a notebook which held all manner of information about cancer. I read it - which actually rather surprised the patient navigator who came to visit me in the hospital.

This is my body, my very life, and I want to be informed about it. I want and need to be informed about all aspects of my treatment; surgery, chemo, radiation, the rest of my life. I have done so. My computer has a whole bookmark file"Breast Health" and it is loaded with bookmarks.

I had thought I would be all but completely done with everything by now. After all, this process began in January and here it is November.

Reality, however, intrudes its ugly little head into that little fantasy. I cannot likely have any surgery to improve my aspect until a year after radiation. That means that this time NEXT year I may, possibly, perhaps, might be close to done with this step of the ongoing adventure.

I don't really complain about this. I do lament a wee bit that it is the way it goes. I still have to receive Herceptin for an entire year - which means I should be done with that by the end of March, 2012. But perhaps not.

My infarction rate is not quite what it should be. This means we may decide I have to suspend treatment for a few months to give my heart time to recover which means the treatment will then resume as if I had not taken a little break from it, thereby extending past the previously targeted end date.

I have to take Arimidex for probably the rest of my life. That is no big deal. I can certainly live with taking one prescription.

My dexa scan was "almost" normal. I mean a tiny little bit less than it should be for ideal bone health and status. So - exercise, calcium intake increase, eat lots of fruits and vegetables. That doesn't sound bad at all. I have been craving fruits and vegetables - and eating them like mad. My poor husband must surely be tired of the arrival on the table of broccoli and of winter squash.

As much as I would like to box this whole thing up and pack it away to never be seen again, I know that is unrealistic. I need the information that I have literally put in a box under the table in my family room. I may not need all of it right now, but there is information I will need at any given moment therein. Plus - I had put in that box some of the many cards and well wishes I have received over this period of time. And those are dear to me.

I don't want to look at them. I know that is a weird dichotomy - the treasuring of them and the desire to have nothing to do with them.

I'm just a little fatigued, you see. I will gather myself back up and move forward and get to all of the things that had to be laid by the wayside during this task. It is a little overwhelming, though. I had to lay aside so many things. I hope to pick them up again as graciously as possible.

In the end, the only thing that I really want to put in the box is the fatigue and overwhelm. Because I have found so many blessings along the way. I would never wish cancer on any one. ANYone. Yet throughout this journey, because I kept my eyes on God, because I did strive to love God and be called according to His purpose, oh, how He has blessed me.