I wonder

It's a beautiful morning, filled with the promise of warmth and of many more beautiful days to follow. I cannot help but wonder - how many will I see?

Does that sound morose? I see how it could, but then - re-frame that thought. Because, after all, how many more will YOU see?

This - oh "this" would be having cancer, having had surgery, having to recognize it was actually MAJOR surgery, dealing with the trauma of recovering from surgery and the many oddities related thereto, facing chemotherapy, facing probable radiation followed by MORE chemotherapy, facing my own mortality in a very personal way, knowing I have LOTS left to do, desiring to LIVE for many more years (okay maybe not 55 more, but still - maybe 50???) - this is an adventure that is not one I would choose to have. Nobody asked me that, though. And I DO desire to walk this road in beauty and grace. My heart cries out to God for His presence to strengthen me, to calm me, to lift me. And oh, He does, for which I am truly grateful and for which I feel so blessed.

And regardless of that, I am human. When I am tired, physically fatigued especially, I am prone to all those human weaknesses to just overwhelm me. And make no mistake, I am tired. I am tired of not being able to just up and do whatever I was used to doing before this happened. I am tired of aching. I am tired of the anxiety that ripples around the edges of my existence threatening to rear up and color everything - EVERY thing with fear and worry and defeatism and ugliness. I am tired of looking at my "new" body and looking away, tearfully because even though I know this is a transition period and I won't look like this forever, not even for THAT much longer, oh - it is not a pretty sight, it is alien, it is frightening to face in the mirror. I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of complaining too - fortunately for you!!

And so - every day - when I feel tired of something, anything, I try to re-frame it and mostly I am successful in that effort. Look, the fact of the matter is I fought long and hard for many years to overcome all manner of negative things and to be able to claim the amazing and wonderful gift from God of a joyous heart - a gift that for so many years I did not know I had - - oh too hard won is that gift to surrender just because I have cancer.

Big doggone deal. Cancer - ppffflt. I spit on you, cancer. I will not surrender to the dark night of fear with which you try to cover me . I will not lie down and wallow in self pity or loneliness and nor ever will I give in to the despair you carry with you.

NO. I wonder, instead, what gift is this that awaits me as I fight each battle, small or large. What new wonder awaits me as I walk through what looked like a mine field ahead of me that, looking back upon was merely a rock in the middle of a path, what wonderful wonder is that?

I will be a warrior goddess - please note the lower case g... because God will be with me. He will be with me through so many friends and family members who have already shown me such kindness.

I thank you, my sweet family and friends who have prayed for me and with me, and sent me meals, and cards, and kindness. Wonder with me: wonder what marvels await, what miracles are around each of us, wonder how beautiful it will all be in the end. Wonder how much love the human heart is holding - how can an ocean be held in so small a vessel?

I wonder..