The one in which I curse

On the way home from Herceptin infusion yesterday;
I was somewhere above myself, rolling along down a hill, tumbling towards the edge of a cliff but it's a hill that keeps going forever. People seek this "high" feeling, people pay big bucks, give up their dignity, their honor, their every valuable thing to get this "high" feeling. They will pay ANY price to get it.

Light bulb moment - people are, therefore, STUPID!!

I hate this feeling. I cannot begin to fully articulate how much I hate this feeling.

I haven't written for a while - I had been so dreading Chemo #3 as Chemo #2 was truly horrid, and I put off writing in the intention of coping with some of these things that arise from cancer and chemo.

The thing is, I am really feeling pretty angry.

Here is a handy check list of things that are making me mad:
* having cancer
* having a major surgical procedure that leaves me with part of my body just GONE.
* taking chemotherapy
* radiation treatment - oh yay, there's one to look forward to
* fatigue
* nausea - almost always
* insomnia
* anxiety - about treatment, about what's next, about anxiety...
* fighting this battle
* emotional exhaustion
* drug side effects
* re-centering my life schedule around treatment
* feeling weak - physically and emotionally
* feeling angry - yeah, that's ticking me off too!
* general irritability
* frustration with people who don't THINK.

I was thinking of having a t-shirt printed up with the following: It's Cancer, It is not contagious, Grow up

And, in fairness, it's not that any big thing, any obviously offensive behavior has been exhibited nor an offensive comment, has presented itself. It's the weird look because I am wearing a hat to cover my baldness - which is rather startling - as well as to HELLO, protect my scalp from the sun, followed by some supposedly innocuous comment. Here's a clue as to what an innocuous statement actually would be: "Oh that's a cute hat." See how it makes a positive and unoffensive statement? See how it is even nice - particularly when you are not staring at me like I have some dread contagion with which I threaten you?

I know this anger, this irritation, is worsened by fatigue, lack of sleep, and you know - an influx of deadly toxins being flushed into my system on a weekly basis. I just don't care right now. I feel this close to lashing out and reciprocating in kind. I feel like yanking my hat off and saying something like "Since you obviously want a real eyeful and don't care at all how you make someone feel, here you go. Now that you see it can you stop acting like an idiot? It's not contagious you know." And that's being really, really nice; sweet and kind.

Look, I believe in stupid. I've seen it all around me, I've been stupid and I know it's way too easy to fall into. I know I'll do stupid again, and I know YOU will do stupid too. It's part of the human condition.

The emotional upheaval is possibly the worst thing about cancer. Because it is endemic - it is connected to and intertwined with every single aspect of cancer. Every aspect of this disease is mental and emotional as well as physical and medical. I know it is dangerously easy to slip into a bad attitude, a negative outlook and I fight that, I fight that HARD. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm just tired and that makes it even easier to fall.

Keep me in your prayers, people.