Insomnia - again

I remember sleeping. I think....

I generally take about a week or so after chemo cocktail to NOT write. It's just a very difficult time and I don't want to even seem to complain. I have long contended that a day above ground is a good day and I am inclined to feel that even more strongly than before. I am not a complainer nor a whiner AND so saying -

I am tired. Each "cocktail" is a different version of discomfort, ill feeling, fatigue, etc. Universal among them has been insomnia.

First of all, it is difficult to sleep when you are pretty sure you are about to eject the entire contents of your body any second. Then you also are achy, uncomfortable, and maybe sometimes it's just that you are TOO tired to sleep.

There also exists that nagging feeling in your mind about all the things you would like to yet accomplish and so your brain just will NOT shut up.

It is 2:44 as I write this. AM. I've watched TV, I've prayed, I've run through a litany of deeds to accomplish - most of them minor, some of them not so minor.

I'd like to write letters to certain family members. Not everybody I know - just people that God has put on my heart to say something to. A living testimony of Word from God, from me, from love. HELP letters, you know. (He Extends Love Perpetually, for those who don't know.)

I don't feel like I'm about to go out for the big trip, mind you, it's just that I think I should do this while there are certain thoughts in my head. It could be many years down the road before they are handed out at my funeral which I would like to start planning, oh - now would be good.

I had a pretty good evening. Ruben went off to Christ Renews His Parish and I decided to have a "spa" night.

This heat has been killing me - and we have this lovely garden tub. As you may or may not imagine, I have been having some issues dealing with body image. The last time I took a bath in the tub I couldn't be in there for even five minutes. It just hurts my heart to see my wrecked body right now.

It is getting better - but it is going to take a while. And I did enjoy my baths with music and bubbles, oh lovely.

So - to overcome this feeling of heat, and I can't go swimming right now - I have to stay out of the sun, etc.; I filled the tub with tepid water, put on my swim suit and a Lady Antebellum CD and had a glorious 20 minutes or so soaking up some coolness to my overheated little self.

This I will do again!

And on an up note, at least post was not too whiny or full of complaint! Ah, a bath and a good night's sleep - that would be really fabulous. Soon!