Fold Them Like a Taco

I decided it was time to do something about the gordian knot of my physical aspect.

As you may or may not know, a gordian knot is impossible to unravel. The definition is "an exceedingly complicated problem or deadlock" AND it is a metaphor for an exceedingly difficult problem solved by a bold stroke (cutting the gordian knot).

I have yet to determine what is the bold stroke required to fix the issues that are connected to, well, the issues of breast cancer, bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, self-image. Oh, I could go on -- and ON. Thus, you see, why it is a gordian knot.

Nonetheless, I decided one thing I could do was see the "Image Recovery Specialist" at the TMH Cancer Center.

Wrap your head around that for a minute - "Image Recovery Specialist"..... As if one could just pick it up and regain your self image. Well, it certainly sounds good in theory!

Don't get me wrong - there is a part of me that feels like I am absolutely fabulous!! I put a good face on it all and present to others as if I 100% feel positive. Sometimes I actually feel that way, too -- positive, feminine, beautiful. Okay that whole feminine thing - that girly part of me - that actually is a major part of who I am. I just AM a girly kind of girl. But I look in the mirror and I see the shocking (still) change to my body and it can hit pretty hard. It sucker punches you and every single day you know - I have to fight this, I have to look beyond the initial physical appearance and remember that I own beauty.

It is, you see, NOT pretty. Oh, I no longer feel that I am a technicolor 3-D topographical map of a nightmare train scene from a horror movie. But I DID feel that way.

I still do not feel beauty in my self, in my body, in my spirit. Because this is not how a woman is supposed to look.

I fully grasp that this is a transitional body. I know - I can see the difference in the body I had on February 17th, 2011 (one day post surgery) and the body I have today. However, I also clearly see the difference in the body I have today and the body I had on February 15th, 2011.

So - I went for prosthetics. THAT is what the Image Recovery Specialist does. I must say that is a far better title than, say, Artificial Temporary Body Part Specialist. Yeah?

Now, I will tell you that I had to present my case, my argument as to why I wanted to be a "B cup" - which I think is actually just about the perfect size to be!

Argument 1 - I am on Weight Watchers and determined to get down to the size I deem healthy, comfortable and sustainable. As I lose weight, the prosthetics will not. Therefore within a few months, these imitation girls will be too big.

Argument 2 - I have been big, endowed, stacked, whatever you want to call it. My goodness, those girls were everywhere!!!

With a B cup you can actually button a blouse without having to resort to safety pinning everything together. You can actually go shopping and find things that fit and not have to worry about clothing staying in place. You don't have to consider "wait a minute - doesn't this fit like it has neon flashing arrows pointing out how big my boobs are?" which you DO have to consider when you are larger. You don't have to size up - and up - even though you should be able to wear a smaller size - in order to accommodate "the girls". You actually get to find pretty undergarments that come in plenty of colors and patterns and styles instead of having to make do and STRUGGLE to find something that does NOT make you feel like someone's unattractive grandmother.

So - I have prosthetics and prosthetic bras so I can wear them pretty much whenever I want to.

Of course, after going for 10 months without them I have found that it's really pretty convenient and comfortable to not have those things in my way!

And of course - did I mention how nice it is to no longer feel - after 41 years of feeling this way -- like I should say to every man I meet "Hey - I'm about a foot higher and they ain't gonna talk to you!"?

Because that does feel nice. I still sometimes feel like men are looking at my chest - but now I kind of smirk internally and think "I am about a foot higher you dork and they are SURE not gonna talk to you now - since they are NOT THERE!"

When Karen - the specialist - was instructing me how to put the prosthetics in place and fitting me for a bra, etc., she showed me how to insert the device in question into the bras. I have one for each side, obviously, and they each store conveniently in their own box. They are kind of teardrop shaped, somewhat heavy, and they feel very much like they should feel. So she tells me "You pick it up and just fold it like a taco to insert it into the bra. Then once it's in, its own weight will straighten it out."

I thought that was pretty funny and it actually is an excellent way to describe what you need to do.

I have only worn them a few times. There are days when I feel like I want to present that feminine aspect to the world in a physical, actual way and on those days I take them out of their boxes and slip them into their bra and wear them. And then I get home and am SO happy to take them off!! My goodness - these things feel like they weigh a ton!!! Here is the thing - I selected lighter weight ones than originally tendered and I know for a fact these weigh considerably less than what I had 24-7 before the surgery!!

I keep working on this and I know additionally that I have to discover a new style of dressing than I had before because this body is different than the one I used to dress. I will get there from here - I just have to want to take the steps necessary and I don't always want to.

ON a humorous note - Right after my surgery - say a week or two, when I was able to get out for short trips, several people who saw me commented "Wow! You've lost a lot of weight." Completely oblivious that all I had lost was boobs!! So - great, you think boobs make a woman fat?!! Yeah, people kind of DO think that. Even though the cultural presentation is that a woman should have big boobs. Great - another conundrum which you (the culture at large) dump on women.

Well, for now - I think I will continue to mostly leave those little permanently perky things happily in their boxes. When I feel like it I will utilize them.

Tacos anyone?

1st Cancer-versary

January 18th, 2010 I went for the mammogram. I had found the lump that just could be questionable, and which my GP thought presented NOT abnormally - but let's just get a mammo to be safe - on my right breast.

The technician came back in to get some additional shots on my left as something a little mysterious presented there.

What?? The left? Okay, okay a few more times of having every bit of elasticity squeezed out of my body -- fine, fine, fine.

Then "we're going to go ahead and do a sonogram now." Hmm. Okay.

Now a sonogram is actually pretty cool. And did I mention it's painless?

Its other advantage is the complete beautiful clarity in what you see. I could see with great clarity that the lump in my breast was larger than I had thought and so very asymmetrical in shape.

Uh-oh. That's not good.

And so began the reality that one does NOT want to have.

Now, almost a year later (yes, I know it is not quite 1 year) and I have traveled well down a road I would not have chosen to take. I would not choose this road for anyone.

I am now attending "Transitions" a program at TMH Cancer Center as I am that far down the road to recovery.

I must say that we were pushed towards considering ourselves "cancer thrivers" at last week's meeting. I have been thinking about that and I have come to the definite conclusion I will NOT consider myself a "cancer thriver."

Cancer does NOT define me. Names like cancer patient, cancer survivor, cancer thriver - they each connect the individual to cancer inextricably.

That is NOT how it is for me and nor should it be for any one who has fought cancer. Does the possibility exist that I could have a recurrence of cancer? Yes, unfortunately, that could happen. Should that event occur I will deal with it. I'll deal with it then.

So what am I? While cancer does not define me it did provide a (very unpleasant) defining moment in my life.

And on that ugly road I have traveled I have also found many blessings. I am thankful to cancer. I am thankful for cancer.

There is within me a fragility that I keep hidden. I hide it from my loved ones as well as those not within my inner circle. It is a fragility that is hidden by strength and partially caused by strength and so I must cherish it and nurture it and allow it to strengthen me further.

I am called by some of my supporters "a rock" - and I am.

Like a diamond - a stone so hard it can destroy, it can cut other substances, it can survive, it can be formed and enhanced, it can form and enhance others, it reflects and plays with the light, and it can be shattered.

This diamond, however; this diamond ME, I will wield wisely. I will enhance it with miraculous recovery abilities - which comes from God, and which we have power to enhance only through Him.

So Cancer Patient? I was and technically still am as I am not through with treatment yet. But no - that is pretty passive and I have NOT been passive on this journey.

Cancer survivor? Well, I am surviving cancer and that is my life intention but - no; I survive this incident, I am NOT this incident.

Cancer thriver? Actually I hate that term. It implies to me that I am thriving with cancer, embracing it, seeking it as a friend. Well, I am NOT thriving with cancer! I am kicking cancer to the curb and not welcoming it into my presence again!!

Even though there are ways in which I am not doing as well as some people think I am - I am simultaneously doing even better than most people think I am doing.

I am a warrior, a victor, a princess of this realm.

Cancer is not welcome here.

Call me a warrior princess.

Extending Christmas

We extend Christmas every year by going to visit my sisters for a few days after Christmas. I love it!!

I very much enjoy Christmas. I am the mom who would wake up her children on Christmas morning because I couldn't wait any longer. True story. I discovered as the mother of young children the absolute blessing of parenthood in Christmas! How amazing and wonderful to see the excitement and joy in sweet little faces as their eyes lit up when I told them "Santa Claus came!"

Yes, yes, I am Santa Claus. Also the Easter Bunny. This does not make the magic and wonder any less real people!!!

This year has been, you will excuse the vernacular, one HELL of a ride!!

Just under a year ago I mentioned to one sister that I had found a lump in my breast, it was probably nothing and to not even mention it to my other sister because it was PROBABLY nothing and I did not want drama that would come with telling anybody anything about it. No sense in worrying people needlessly, etc., etc.

But OOOPS! It turned out to be QUITE something.

I will write more about the year past on the anniversary of my start of the journey. (Stay tuned in January for that!)

For now, though, I want only to wish any faithful readers -- well, readers whether faithful or otherwise -- and the world at large continued Christmas blessings (hey - it isn't over until Epiphany you heathens!!) and may the New Year coming up bring you much joy.

There are blessings in the worst of times if you seek them. Believe me I know about that!!

love to all
Melanie

Awake, Oh Dreamer, Awake and Live.

I am so blessed.

I could probably write that a number MORE times and not fully express how that feels.

I have a spirit of joy. I could dance around the room inside of myself at that declaration. How many YEARS did I live unaware of that? Way too many. I was weighted down with the living. I was burdened with the sorrows and worries that I bore -- and unaware that inside me was this joy, this bright, shining joy that was a gift from God.

We all have difficulties, burdens, sorrows. We all make mistakes, bad choices, and we fall prey to just plain stupid. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. It's our humanness that just sometimes runs us full in to S-T-U-P-I-D!

I have wallowed in self-pity. I have blindly lashed out at my own frailties by lashing out at others. I have hurt other people.

I have awakened.

I have stepped out of the mud and gloom and darkness that is internal blindness to see that I was making life much harder than it has to be.

While the awakening is a long process, while the healing is itself a painful process, these things strengthen you, they renew you, they enliven you where you thought you were never to awaken, never to heal, never to live, never to pull out of the pool of tears.

I was actually clinically depressed a number of years ago. I had a prescription for anti-depressants, I saw a therapist regularly, I fought the battle all day, every day.

I had these two small sons who needed me, you see. They needed me to be strong, they needed me to keep them from the abyss.

They are grown men now and I am proud of them both. They have their own battles to fight with the darkness and I know I cannot help them. I hope and pray that I have cleared a path for them towards the lightness that is joy. Regardless - their battles are their own as each of us must fight our own way clear.

It may sound a little crazy to say - and it is true, nonetheless - that I think this trip through cancer has been a blessing.

Well, to be more accurate, it has brought me blessings.

One of the blessings it has brought to me has been a strengthened bond with a dear friend, RJ.

RJ has a rare type of cancer herself, and is nearing the end. "The end" - such a simple phrase and perfectly welcome at the end of a story in a book or at the end of a movie.

It is not so welcome when you apply it to life itself. I saw and chatted with RJ yesterday for a while. This was not my first visit with her and I hope it will not have been my last. Each time I have visited her these past few weeks I have feared it would be the last time.

She has fought a valiant and epic battle against her cancer. She has done it with humor and courage and grace.

I told her yesterday how beautiful she was. Her immediate response was no, I'm not beautiful. I had to correct her - I told her she may not feel beautiful, but that is not of the truth.

I won't share about my visit with her - there were some private things discussed between us. So saying, I will tell you and her - I will miss my friend. She knows it is near now. She knows I love her (3 times more) and I know she loves me (again 3 times more) and she is tired.

She has a wonderful loving family - husband and sons, absolutely fabulous daughter-in-love, two sweet grandchildren. She has a strong faith in God - her spirit is unbroken. And she is just about as stubborn as it is possible to be!

She has had to be to get this far! I don't want to say goodbye to her. I don't want her to suffer anymore. And she has suffered, is suffering, and fights on to suffer more because she loves her family and worries about them.

Perhaps, RJ this is the dream. Life is the dream and we will awake when we are done here, THEN we shall live.

Perhaps.

And still I will miss my friend.

Box it up and move it out of here!

Cancer, that is.

There are ways in which that is exactly what I have done. In the EARLY days of this, I was given a notebook which held all manner of information about cancer. I read it - which actually rather surprised the patient navigator who came to visit me in the hospital.

This is my body, my very life, and I want to be informed about it. I want and need to be informed about all aspects of my treatment; surgery, chemo, radiation, the rest of my life. I have done so. My computer has a whole bookmark file"Breast Health" and it is loaded with bookmarks.

I had thought I would be all but completely done with everything by now. After all, this process began in January and here it is November.

Reality, however, intrudes its ugly little head into that little fantasy. I cannot likely have any surgery to improve my aspect until a year after radiation. That means that this time NEXT year I may, possibly, perhaps, might be close to done with this step of the ongoing adventure.

I don't really complain about this. I do lament a wee bit that it is the way it goes. I still have to receive Herceptin for an entire year - which means I should be done with that by the end of March, 2012. But perhaps not.

My infarction rate is not quite what it should be. This means we may decide I have to suspend treatment for a few months to give my heart time to recover which means the treatment will then resume as if I had not taken a little break from it, thereby extending past the previously targeted end date.

I have to take Arimidex for probably the rest of my life. That is no big deal. I can certainly live with taking one prescription.

My dexa scan was "almost" normal. I mean a tiny little bit less than it should be for ideal bone health and status. So - exercise, calcium intake increase, eat lots of fruits and vegetables. That doesn't sound bad at all. I have been craving fruits and vegetables - and eating them like mad. My poor husband must surely be tired of the arrival on the table of broccoli and of winter squash.

As much as I would like to box this whole thing up and pack it away to never be seen again, I know that is unrealistic. I need the information that I have literally put in a box under the table in my family room. I may not need all of it right now, but there is information I will need at any given moment therein. Plus - I had put in that box some of the many cards and well wishes I have received over this period of time. And those are dear to me.

I don't want to look at them. I know that is a weird dichotomy - the treasuring of them and the desire to have nothing to do with them.

I'm just a little fatigued, you see. I will gather myself back up and move forward and get to all of the things that had to be laid by the wayside during this task. It is a little overwhelming, though. I had to lay aside so many things. I hope to pick them up again as graciously as possible.

In the end, the only thing that I really want to put in the box is the fatigue and overwhelm. Because I have found so many blessings along the way. I would never wish cancer on any one. ANYone. Yet throughout this journey, because I kept my eyes on God, because I did strive to love God and be called according to His purpose, oh, how He has blessed me.

Graduation

Should I give a commencement address???

Yay me!! Today was my official LAST DAY OF RADIATION!!

My skin looks very good. I saw my lovely Dr. Newman and she commented that most people's skin reaction looks like mine after only 4 weeks. I had 6 weeks of the full area and then six treatments of the incision area only. So 7 weeks of treatment.

This is 1) years of good skin care (no soap, sun protection, moisturization); 2) gentle cleaning this radiation period with a truly mild soap (Neutrogena) and continued good skin care; 3) good genes and; 4) Excellent Luck!!

Okay, maybe add trying to be properly nourished - vitamins, hydration, veggies, etc.

Don't think, however, that means vegetarianism of any variety. Mmmm, I love me some good beef. We went out to a lovely steak dinner to celebrate the end of the chemo cocktails. We did that right BEFORE the final cocktail so I could actually taste and enjoy the meal;p

Now it is time to move on to the next stage of my treatment; further recovery and getting on with my life!

I am not quite ready to go to the "Image Recovery Specialist" - I think I will wait until my skin is actually healed. To be perfectly honest - I can not begin to tell you how much I am enjoying the not having to worry about a bra that I am currently experiencing.

Look - those girls were EVERYWHERE!! I know that loads of ladies claim they want larger busts, talk about enlargement surgeries, etc.

Are you crazy??? They are heavy! You will get furrows in your shoulders from wearing bras to hold up the big girls. The furrows will never, repeat, never go away. You have to worry all the time about things such as "doggone it, is that button popped open AGAIN??!!" and of course a personal favorite of mine - the old "hello, I am about a foot higher and they are not going to talk you!!" syndrome.

Seriously, while I am working on the one hand with the hole in the metaphysical universe, the underlying feeling of loss of femininity, I am conversely SOO enjoying the lightness, the freedom of not having to deal with it!

There are multiple layers to deal with to every single aspect of this journey. Some of them are positive, some of them are not. Regardless - on I go on my continuing journey to thriving post cancer, post bi-lateral mastectomy.

I wrote that on purpose. Sometimes it is hard to think about "bi-lateral mastectomy." Oh, I know full well what it means and what it is. Mostly I am okay with it. It means I have increased my odds of staying alive and healthy on the planet. It just also means I have to deal with a completely different body image than I ever expected to.

I don't mean that to sound like a complaint, and I hope it doesn't. It is not meant as one, rather it is an observation of my life now.

It is what it is and I don't mind that I have to deal with it. Why not me? I would certainly prefer to take it on my own shoulders than to have someone else take it, whether someone I love or even someone I don't love. I have it. The strength, the ability to walk through it. God has blessed me.

Cancer does have blessings it brings.

I love Costco

I have finished with the main larger area of radiation. Today I had the first of 6 "boost" radiation exposures which target the incision line specifically.

So good news - the radiation is almost done with (YAY!), the area radiated is smaller, and MOST of it is now behind me.

The not so good news - I broke out in blisters yesterday. Not huge, gigantic blisters, not 100s of blisters, not excruciatingly painful blisters. Blisters, nonetheless.

Fortunately, sweet friend Nell had given me some Mepilex (?) adhesive bandage things. It is Mepilex, I just checked. I wanted to call it Mylar, which I KNOW it is not!

Anyway, it kind of cushions the blisters and should they burst will absorb the liquid and thereby prevent my skin from getting all torn up and painful.

My chest is red and I can feel the heat pouring off of it when I touch it although what it feels like mostly is simply a stinging for the most part. I have areas where it feels stiff inside, if that makes sense to anyone.

I guess the best way I can describe it is this: think of beef jerky. You start with meat that is hydrated and flexible, as was my chest. After time in the smoker or dehydrator, or in my case - after some time of radiation, the product is considerably dryer, still warm from the "oven" and is not so flexible any more. Thus, it feels as if when I raise my arms straight above my head, which I need to do in order to continue to be able to lift them above my head, it is as if the muscles are in need of stretching. Which, of course, is exactly the case. Not because I have not moved my muscles and they have atrophied, but because they have been sort of cooked and are thus stiff and a little tight.

Kind of a gross analogy, but rather accurate.

I generally am feeling quite well. I run out of energy by the end of the day but I have energy in the first place so that is a grand and glorious thing altogether!

My spirits are excellent - Thank you Lord!! I am getting ready to start taking an aromatase inhibitor once I am through with radiation. That would be a hormone regimen to combat a recurrence of my cancer.

Can't say as I am really excited about that but the whole staying alive and healthy thing definitely appeals to me!

When my Dr. told me about the drug he advised me it would cost probably $200 to $300 a month. I checked at my pharmacy of choice. The Doctor's sweet wife works there and she told me she had sent out price comparison requests on a variety of drugs. Yes, at some pharmacies in town two to three HUNDRED is the monthly rate. At my pharmacy of choice it will cost me twenty dollars and some odd cents.

I love Costco.

By the way, if you don't know, one does NOT have to be a Costco member to use their pharmacy. You just tell them at the front when they ask for your member card that you are going to the pharmacy.