Today is the first anniversary of my bi-lateral mastectomy surgery.
I hope that doesn't sound depressing, because I am feeling no sorrow over it. I admit freely that I still have this weird concoction of feelings when I ponder the reality of my body as it is now compared to what it was then. I think I may have that for the rest of my life!
Still - it is not something to moan and weep and lament.
I am on the right side of the grass -- the side looking down! I have only two more Herceptin infusions (YAY!!!) and then I proceed fully into post-treatment treatment.
What else are you gonna call it? It is treatment, it is post active treatment!
I am happy to be alive. I am happy to feel good! I am delighted to have a whole new perspective on feeling good. I won't have to go through what I have been through in order to so entirely value that feeling so-so, feeling mediocre at best, feeling bad even, is absolutely GREAT!!
I can taste food again (oh that is fabulous, really it is!), I can drive around when I want to or need to, I can do most anything I want.
I have realized the amazing and precious gift of having a spirit of joy. I am blessed with friends and family who love me, who pray for me, who worry about me, who make me laugh. Okay - granted that last one is not that hard to do. My sister tells me I am an easy audience. She just entirely cracks me up!
I am going to be a grandma! My younger son married his sweet Elisa and now I have a daughter AND they are expecting the arrival of my precious first grand at the end of September.
Now he is trying to insist that I will be called nonna, which is Italian for grandmother. So wrong. That is not what is going to be my grandmother moniker. The little one will have a nonna and a nonno in the sweet Elisa's parents. I, therefore, am choosing to be called me-me, or if you prefer Mimi.
Oh, it is somewhat naughty of me to insist on it. You see, I have a sister-in-law who doesn't like me. Go figure! Everybody likes me, I like everybody, you see. She doesn't know me at all, and yet insisted at a family dust-up that I was "totally selfish. All you care about is me me me." I must contend - and it is pretty much universally agreed upon that this is a case of projection on her part. It is why - in part - I called this blog "and now it IS all about me.." and it is, again in part, why I WILL be called Mimi.
It is both a laughing off of her accusation, her erroneous and mean-spirited accusation, and a reminder to me that people will have their little issues. Well, in the Southern sense of the term "bless her heart."
Those among us who understand Southern know EXACTLY what that means. And if you don't speak Southern, just laugh - because it is funny.
So the other evening after I had told Linda that I would be called Mimi, she giggled at that and said she would be called "Aunt La-la" - which made both of us laugh.
Signing off from our phone conversation she later said "good night Mimi" in a deep and affected southern accent. I laughed at both the comment and the accent, as did she. Then she prompted me "say 'goodnight Lala'", which - naturally, I did and we both laughed.
Life is good. Life is humorous. Hang in there through the hard times, the sad times, the lonely times; better days are ahead.
If you are blessed, not lucky - blessed, you will find that God does have a sense of humor and gave you one too. Find it!! Put on rose colored glasses. Yes, there is darkness and evil in the world. But you must not stare at them, they will sweep you under the floorboards themselves into despair.
Look for the light that is there. Joy will come in the morning, just last through the night.
Weep when you must (put a time limit on it!) and laugh as soon as you can. I will dance through this world and I will laugh.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Fold Them Like a Taco
I decided it was time to do something about the gordian knot of my physical aspect.
As you may or may not know, a gordian knot is impossible to unravel. The definition is "an exceedingly complicated problem or deadlock" AND it is a metaphor for an exceedingly difficult problem solved by a bold stroke (cutting the gordian knot).
I have yet to determine what is the bold stroke required to fix the issues that are connected to, well, the issues of breast cancer, bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, self-image. Oh, I could go on -- and ON. Thus, you see, why it is a gordian knot.
Nonetheless, I decided one thing I could do was see the "Image Recovery Specialist" at the TMH Cancer Center.
Wrap your head around that for a minute - "Image Recovery Specialist"..... As if one could just pick it up and regain your self image. Well, it certainly sounds good in theory!
Don't get me wrong - there is a part of me that feels like I am absolutely fabulous!! I put a good face on it all and present to others as if I 100% feel positive. Sometimes I actually feel that way, too -- positive, feminine, beautiful. Okay that whole feminine thing - that girly part of me - that actually is a major part of who I am. I just AM a girly kind of girl. But I look in the mirror and I see the shocking (still) change to my body and it can hit pretty hard. It sucker punches you and every single day you know - I have to fight this, I have to look beyond the initial physical appearance and remember that I own beauty.
It is, you see, NOT pretty. Oh, I no longer feel that I am a technicolor 3-D topographical map of a nightmare train scene from a horror movie. But I DID feel that way.
I still do not feel beauty in my self, in my body, in my spirit. Because this is not how a woman is supposed to look.
I fully grasp that this is a transitional body. I know - I can see the difference in the body I had on February 17th, 2011 (one day post surgery) and the body I have today. However, I also clearly see the difference in the body I have today and the body I had on February 15th, 2011.
So - I went for prosthetics. THAT is what the Image Recovery Specialist does. I must say that is a far better title than, say, Artificial Temporary Body Part Specialist. Yeah?
Now, I will tell you that I had to present my case, my argument as to why I wanted to be a "B cup" - which I think is actually just about the perfect size to be!
Argument 1 - I am on Weight Watchers and determined to get down to the size I deem healthy, comfortable and sustainable. As I lose weight, the prosthetics will not. Therefore within a few months, these imitation girls will be too big.
Argument 2 - I have been big, endowed, stacked, whatever you want to call it. My goodness, those girls were everywhere!!!
With a B cup you can actually button a blouse without having to resort to safety pinning everything together. You can actually go shopping and find things that fit and not have to worry about clothing staying in place. You don't have to consider "wait a minute - doesn't this fit like it has neon flashing arrows pointing out how big my boobs are?" which you DO have to consider when you are larger. You don't have to size up - and up - even though you should be able to wear a smaller size - in order to accommodate "the girls". You actually get to find pretty undergarments that come in plenty of colors and patterns and styles instead of having to make do and STRUGGLE to find something that does NOT make you feel like someone's unattractive grandmother.
So - I have prosthetics and prosthetic bras so I can wear them pretty much whenever I want to.
Of course, after going for 10 months without them I have found that it's really pretty convenient and comfortable to not have those things in my way!
And of course - did I mention how nice it is to no longer feel - after 41 years of feeling this way -- like I should say to every man I meet "Hey - I'm about a foot higher and they ain't gonna talk to you!"?
Because that does feel nice. I still sometimes feel like men are looking at my chest - but now I kind of smirk internally and think "I am about a foot higher you dork and they are SURE not gonna talk to you now - since they are NOT THERE!"
When Karen - the specialist - was instructing me how to put the prosthetics in place and fitting me for a bra, etc., she showed me how to insert the device in question into the bras. I have one for each side, obviously, and they each store conveniently in their own box. They are kind of teardrop shaped, somewhat heavy, and they feel very much like they should feel. So she tells me "You pick it up and just fold it like a taco to insert it into the bra. Then once it's in, its own weight will straighten it out."
I thought that was pretty funny and it actually is an excellent way to describe what you need to do.
I have only worn them a few times. There are days when I feel like I want to present that feminine aspect to the world in a physical, actual way and on those days I take them out of their boxes and slip them into their bra and wear them. And then I get home and am SO happy to take them off!! My goodness - these things feel like they weigh a ton!!! Here is the thing - I selected lighter weight ones than originally tendered and I know for a fact these weigh considerably less than what I had 24-7 before the surgery!!
I keep working on this and I know additionally that I have to discover a new style of dressing than I had before because this body is different than the one I used to dress. I will get there from here - I just have to want to take the steps necessary and I don't always want to.
ON a humorous note - Right after my surgery - say a week or two, when I was able to get out for short trips, several people who saw me commented "Wow! You've lost a lot of weight." Completely oblivious that all I had lost was boobs!! So - great, you think boobs make a woman fat?!! Yeah, people kind of DO think that. Even though the cultural presentation is that a woman should have big boobs. Great - another conundrum which you (the culture at large) dump on women.
Well, for now - I think I will continue to mostly leave those little permanently perky things happily in their boxes. When I feel like it I will utilize them.
Tacos anyone?
As you may or may not know, a gordian knot is impossible to unravel. The definition is "an exceedingly complicated problem or deadlock" AND it is a metaphor for an exceedingly difficult problem solved by a bold stroke (cutting the gordian knot).
I have yet to determine what is the bold stroke required to fix the issues that are connected to, well, the issues of breast cancer, bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, self-image. Oh, I could go on -- and ON. Thus, you see, why it is a gordian knot.
Nonetheless, I decided one thing I could do was see the "Image Recovery Specialist" at the TMH Cancer Center.
Wrap your head around that for a minute - "Image Recovery Specialist"..... As if one could just pick it up and regain your self image. Well, it certainly sounds good in theory!
Don't get me wrong - there is a part of me that feels like I am absolutely fabulous!! I put a good face on it all and present to others as if I 100% feel positive. Sometimes I actually feel that way, too -- positive, feminine, beautiful. Okay that whole feminine thing - that girly part of me - that actually is a major part of who I am. I just AM a girly kind of girl. But I look in the mirror and I see the shocking (still) change to my body and it can hit pretty hard. It sucker punches you and every single day you know - I have to fight this, I have to look beyond the initial physical appearance and remember that I own beauty.
It is, you see, NOT pretty. Oh, I no longer feel that I am a technicolor 3-D topographical map of a nightmare train scene from a horror movie. But I DID feel that way.
I still do not feel beauty in my self, in my body, in my spirit. Because this is not how a woman is supposed to look.
I fully grasp that this is a transitional body. I know - I can see the difference in the body I had on February 17th, 2011 (one day post surgery) and the body I have today. However, I also clearly see the difference in the body I have today and the body I had on February 15th, 2011.
So - I went for prosthetics. THAT is what the Image Recovery Specialist does. I must say that is a far better title than, say, Artificial Temporary Body Part Specialist. Yeah?
Now, I will tell you that I had to present my case, my argument as to why I wanted to be a "B cup" - which I think is actually just about the perfect size to be!
Argument 1 - I am on Weight Watchers and determined to get down to the size I deem healthy, comfortable and sustainable. As I lose weight, the prosthetics will not. Therefore within a few months, these imitation girls will be too big.
Argument 2 - I have been big, endowed, stacked, whatever you want to call it. My goodness, those girls were everywhere!!!
With a B cup you can actually button a blouse without having to resort to safety pinning everything together. You can actually go shopping and find things that fit and not have to worry about clothing staying in place. You don't have to consider "wait a minute - doesn't this fit like it has neon flashing arrows pointing out how big my boobs are?" which you DO have to consider when you are larger. You don't have to size up - and up - even though you should be able to wear a smaller size - in order to accommodate "the girls". You actually get to find pretty undergarments that come in plenty of colors and patterns and styles instead of having to make do and STRUGGLE to find something that does NOT make you feel like someone's unattractive grandmother.
So - I have prosthetics and prosthetic bras so I can wear them pretty much whenever I want to.
Of course, after going for 10 months without them I have found that it's really pretty convenient and comfortable to not have those things in my way!
And of course - did I mention how nice it is to no longer feel - after 41 years of feeling this way -- like I should say to every man I meet "Hey - I'm about a foot higher and they ain't gonna talk to you!"?
Because that does feel nice. I still sometimes feel like men are looking at my chest - but now I kind of smirk internally and think "I am about a foot higher you dork and they are SURE not gonna talk to you now - since they are NOT THERE!"
When Karen - the specialist - was instructing me how to put the prosthetics in place and fitting me for a bra, etc., she showed me how to insert the device in question into the bras. I have one for each side, obviously, and they each store conveniently in their own box. They are kind of teardrop shaped, somewhat heavy, and they feel very much like they should feel. So she tells me "You pick it up and just fold it like a taco to insert it into the bra. Then once it's in, its own weight will straighten it out."
I thought that was pretty funny and it actually is an excellent way to describe what you need to do.
I have only worn them a few times. There are days when I feel like I want to present that feminine aspect to the world in a physical, actual way and on those days I take them out of their boxes and slip them into their bra and wear them. And then I get home and am SO happy to take them off!! My goodness - these things feel like they weigh a ton!!! Here is the thing - I selected lighter weight ones than originally tendered and I know for a fact these weigh considerably less than what I had 24-7 before the surgery!!
I keep working on this and I know additionally that I have to discover a new style of dressing than I had before because this body is different than the one I used to dress. I will get there from here - I just have to want to take the steps necessary and I don't always want to.
ON a humorous note - Right after my surgery - say a week or two, when I was able to get out for short trips, several people who saw me commented "Wow! You've lost a lot of weight." Completely oblivious that all I had lost was boobs!! So - great, you think boobs make a woman fat?!! Yeah, people kind of DO think that. Even though the cultural presentation is that a woman should have big boobs. Great - another conundrum which you (the culture at large) dump on women.
Well, for now - I think I will continue to mostly leave those little permanently perky things happily in their boxes. When I feel like it I will utilize them.
Tacos anyone?
Monday, January 16, 2012
1st Cancer-versary
January 18th, 2010 I went for the mammogram. I had found the lump that just could be questionable, and which my GP thought presented NOT abnormally - but let's just get a mammo to be safe - on my right breast.
The technician came back in to get some additional shots on my left as something a little mysterious presented there.
What?? The left? Okay, okay a few more times of having every bit of elasticity squeezed out of my body -- fine, fine, fine.
Then "we're going to go ahead and do a sonogram now." Hmm. Okay.
Now a sonogram is actually pretty cool. And did I mention it's painless?
Its other advantage is the complete beautiful clarity in what you see. I could see with great clarity that the lump in my breast was larger than I had thought and so very asymmetrical in shape.
Uh-oh. That's not good.
And so began the reality that one does NOT want to have.
Now, almost a year later (yes, I know it is not quite 1 year) and I have traveled well down a road I would not have chosen to take. I would not choose this road for anyone.
I am now attending "Transitions" a program at TMH Cancer Center as I am that far down the road to recovery.
I must say that we were pushed towards considering ourselves "cancer thrivers" at last week's meeting. I have been thinking about that and I have come to the definite conclusion I will NOT consider myself a "cancer thriver."
Cancer does NOT define me. Names like cancer patient, cancer survivor, cancer thriver - they each connect the individual to cancer inextricably.
That is NOT how it is for me and nor should it be for any one who has fought cancer. Does the possibility exist that I could have a recurrence of cancer? Yes, unfortunately, that could happen. Should that event occur I will deal with it. I'll deal with it then.
So what am I? While cancer does not define me it did provide a (very unpleasant) defining moment in my life.
And on that ugly road I have traveled I have also found many blessings. I am thankful to cancer. I am thankful for cancer.
There is within me a fragility that I keep hidden. I hide it from my loved ones as well as those not within my inner circle. It is a fragility that is hidden by strength and partially caused by strength and so I must cherish it and nurture it and allow it to strengthen me further.
I am called by some of my supporters "a rock" - and I am.
Like a diamond - a stone so hard it can destroy, it can cut other substances, it can survive, it can be formed and enhanced, it can form and enhance others, it reflects and plays with the light, and it can be shattered.
This diamond, however; this diamond ME, I will wield wisely. I will enhance it with miraculous recovery abilities - which comes from God, and which we have power to enhance only through Him.
So Cancer Patient? I was and technically still am as I am not through with treatment yet. But no - that is pretty passive and I have NOT been passive on this journey.
Cancer survivor? Well, I am surviving cancer and that is my life intention but - no; I survive this incident, I am NOT this incident.
Cancer thriver? Actually I hate that term. It implies to me that I am thriving with cancer, embracing it, seeking it as a friend. Well, I am NOT thriving with cancer! I am kicking cancer to the curb and not welcoming it into my presence again!!
Even though there are ways in which I am not doing as well as some people think I am - I am simultaneously doing even better than most people think I am doing.
I am a warrior, a victor, a princess of this realm.
Cancer is not welcome here.
Call me a warrior princess.
The technician came back in to get some additional shots on my left as something a little mysterious presented there.
What?? The left? Okay, okay a few more times of having every bit of elasticity squeezed out of my body -- fine, fine, fine.
Then "we're going to go ahead and do a sonogram now." Hmm. Okay.
Now a sonogram is actually pretty cool. And did I mention it's painless?
Its other advantage is the complete beautiful clarity in what you see. I could see with great clarity that the lump in my breast was larger than I had thought and so very asymmetrical in shape.
Uh-oh. That's not good.
And so began the reality that one does NOT want to have.
Now, almost a year later (yes, I know it is not quite 1 year) and I have traveled well down a road I would not have chosen to take. I would not choose this road for anyone.
I am now attending "Transitions" a program at TMH Cancer Center as I am that far down the road to recovery.
I must say that we were pushed towards considering ourselves "cancer thrivers" at last week's meeting. I have been thinking about that and I have come to the definite conclusion I will NOT consider myself a "cancer thriver."
Cancer does NOT define me. Names like cancer patient, cancer survivor, cancer thriver - they each connect the individual to cancer inextricably.
That is NOT how it is for me and nor should it be for any one who has fought cancer. Does the possibility exist that I could have a recurrence of cancer? Yes, unfortunately, that could happen. Should that event occur I will deal with it. I'll deal with it then.
So what am I? While cancer does not define me it did provide a (very unpleasant) defining moment in my life.
And on that ugly road I have traveled I have also found many blessings. I am thankful to cancer. I am thankful for cancer.
There is within me a fragility that I keep hidden. I hide it from my loved ones as well as those not within my inner circle. It is a fragility that is hidden by strength and partially caused by strength and so I must cherish it and nurture it and allow it to strengthen me further.
I am called by some of my supporters "a rock" - and I am.
Like a diamond - a stone so hard it can destroy, it can cut other substances, it can survive, it can be formed and enhanced, it can form and enhance others, it reflects and plays with the light, and it can be shattered.
This diamond, however; this diamond ME, I will wield wisely. I will enhance it with miraculous recovery abilities - which comes from God, and which we have power to enhance only through Him.
So Cancer Patient? I was and technically still am as I am not through with treatment yet. But no - that is pretty passive and I have NOT been passive on this journey.
Cancer survivor? Well, I am surviving cancer and that is my life intention but - no; I survive this incident, I am NOT this incident.
Cancer thriver? Actually I hate that term. It implies to me that I am thriving with cancer, embracing it, seeking it as a friend. Well, I am NOT thriving with cancer! I am kicking cancer to the curb and not welcoming it into my presence again!!
Even though there are ways in which I am not doing as well as some people think I am - I am simultaneously doing even better than most people think I am doing.
I am a warrior, a victor, a princess of this realm.
Cancer is not welcome here.
Call me a warrior princess.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Extending Christmas
We extend Christmas every year by going to visit my sisters for a few days after Christmas. I love it!!
I very much enjoy Christmas. I am the mom who would wake up her children on Christmas morning because I couldn't wait any longer. True story. I discovered as the mother of young children the absolute blessing of parenthood in Christmas! How amazing and wonderful to see the excitement and joy in sweet little faces as their eyes lit up when I told them "Santa Claus came!"
Yes, yes, I am Santa Claus. Also the Easter Bunny. This does not make the magic and wonder any less real people!!!
This year has been, you will excuse the vernacular, one HELL of a ride!!
Just under a year ago I mentioned to one sister that I had found a lump in my breast, it was probably nothing and to not even mention it to my other sister because it was PROBABLY nothing and I did not want drama that would come with telling anybody anything about it. No sense in worrying people needlessly, etc., etc.
But OOOPS! It turned out to be QUITE something.
I will write more about the year past on the anniversary of my start of the journey. (Stay tuned in January for that!)
For now, though, I want only to wish any faithful readers -- well, readers whether faithful or otherwise -- and the world at large continued Christmas blessings (hey - it isn't over until Epiphany you heathens!!) and may the New Year coming up bring you much joy.
There are blessings in the worst of times if you seek them. Believe me I know about that!!
love to all
Melanie
I very much enjoy Christmas. I am the mom who would wake up her children on Christmas morning because I couldn't wait any longer. True story. I discovered as the mother of young children the absolute blessing of parenthood in Christmas! How amazing and wonderful to see the excitement and joy in sweet little faces as their eyes lit up when I told them "Santa Claus came!"
Yes, yes, I am Santa Claus. Also the Easter Bunny. This does not make the magic and wonder any less real people!!!
This year has been, you will excuse the vernacular, one HELL of a ride!!
Just under a year ago I mentioned to one sister that I had found a lump in my breast, it was probably nothing and to not even mention it to my other sister because it was PROBABLY nothing and I did not want drama that would come with telling anybody anything about it. No sense in worrying people needlessly, etc., etc.
But OOOPS! It turned out to be QUITE something.
I will write more about the year past on the anniversary of my start of the journey. (Stay tuned in January for that!)
For now, though, I want only to wish any faithful readers -- well, readers whether faithful or otherwise -- and the world at large continued Christmas blessings (hey - it isn't over until Epiphany you heathens!!) and may the New Year coming up bring you much joy.
There are blessings in the worst of times if you seek them. Believe me I know about that!!
love to all
Melanie
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Awake, Oh Dreamer, Awake and Live.
I am so blessed.
I could probably write that a number MORE times and not fully express how that feels.
I have a spirit of joy. I could dance around the room inside of myself at that declaration. How many YEARS did I live unaware of that? Way too many. I was weighted down with the living. I was burdened with the sorrows and worries that I bore -- and unaware that inside me was this joy, this bright, shining joy that was a gift from God.
We all have difficulties, burdens, sorrows. We all make mistakes, bad choices, and we fall prey to just plain stupid. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. It's our humanness that just sometimes runs us full in to S-T-U-P-I-D!
I have wallowed in self-pity. I have blindly lashed out at my own frailties by lashing out at others. I have hurt other people.
I have awakened.
I have stepped out of the mud and gloom and darkness that is internal blindness to see that I was making life much harder than it has to be.
While the awakening is a long process, while the healing is itself a painful process, these things strengthen you, they renew you, they enliven you where you thought you were never to awaken, never to heal, never to live, never to pull out of the pool of tears.
I was actually clinically depressed a number of years ago. I had a prescription for anti-depressants, I saw a therapist regularly, I fought the battle all day, every day.
I had these two small sons who needed me, you see. They needed me to be strong, they needed me to keep them from the abyss.
They are grown men now and I am proud of them both. They have their own battles to fight with the darkness and I know I cannot help them. I hope and pray that I have cleared a path for them towards the lightness that is joy. Regardless - their battles are their own as each of us must fight our own way clear.
It may sound a little crazy to say - and it is true, nonetheless - that I think this trip through cancer has been a blessing.
Well, to be more accurate, it has brought me blessings.
One of the blessings it has brought to me has been a strengthened bond with a dear friend, RJ.
RJ has a rare type of cancer herself, and is nearing the end. "The end" - such a simple phrase and perfectly welcome at the end of a story in a book or at the end of a movie.
It is not so welcome when you apply it to life itself. I saw and chatted with RJ yesterday for a while. This was not my first visit with her and I hope it will not have been my last. Each time I have visited her these past few weeks I have feared it would be the last time.
She has fought a valiant and epic battle against her cancer. She has done it with humor and courage and grace.
I told her yesterday how beautiful she was. Her immediate response was no, I'm not beautiful. I had to correct her - I told her she may not feel beautiful, but that is not of the truth.
I won't share about my visit with her - there were some private things discussed between us. So saying, I will tell you and her - I will miss my friend. She knows it is near now. She knows I love her (3 times more) and I know she loves me (again 3 times more) and she is tired.
She has a wonderful loving family - husband and sons, absolutely fabulous daughter-in-love, two sweet grandchildren. She has a strong faith in God - her spirit is unbroken. And she is just about as stubborn as it is possible to be!
She has had to be to get this far! I don't want to say goodbye to her. I don't want her to suffer anymore. And she has suffered, is suffering, and fights on to suffer more because she loves her family and worries about them.
Perhaps, RJ this is the dream. Life is the dream and we will awake when we are done here, THEN we shall live.
Perhaps.
And still I will miss my friend.
I could probably write that a number MORE times and not fully express how that feels.
I have a spirit of joy. I could dance around the room inside of myself at that declaration. How many YEARS did I live unaware of that? Way too many. I was weighted down with the living. I was burdened with the sorrows and worries that I bore -- and unaware that inside me was this joy, this bright, shining joy that was a gift from God.
We all have difficulties, burdens, sorrows. We all make mistakes, bad choices, and we fall prey to just plain stupid. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. It's our humanness that just sometimes runs us full in to S-T-U-P-I-D!
I have wallowed in self-pity. I have blindly lashed out at my own frailties by lashing out at others. I have hurt other people.
I have awakened.
I have stepped out of the mud and gloom and darkness that is internal blindness to see that I was making life much harder than it has to be.
While the awakening is a long process, while the healing is itself a painful process, these things strengthen you, they renew you, they enliven you where you thought you were never to awaken, never to heal, never to live, never to pull out of the pool of tears.
I was actually clinically depressed a number of years ago. I had a prescription for anti-depressants, I saw a therapist regularly, I fought the battle all day, every day.
I had these two small sons who needed me, you see. They needed me to be strong, they needed me to keep them from the abyss.
They are grown men now and I am proud of them both. They have their own battles to fight with the darkness and I know I cannot help them. I hope and pray that I have cleared a path for them towards the lightness that is joy. Regardless - their battles are their own as each of us must fight our own way clear.
It may sound a little crazy to say - and it is true, nonetheless - that I think this trip through cancer has been a blessing.
Well, to be more accurate, it has brought me blessings.
One of the blessings it has brought to me has been a strengthened bond with a dear friend, RJ.
RJ has a rare type of cancer herself, and is nearing the end. "The end" - such a simple phrase and perfectly welcome at the end of a story in a book or at the end of a movie.
It is not so welcome when you apply it to life itself. I saw and chatted with RJ yesterday for a while. This was not my first visit with her and I hope it will not have been my last. Each time I have visited her these past few weeks I have feared it would be the last time.
She has fought a valiant and epic battle against her cancer. She has done it with humor and courage and grace.
I told her yesterday how beautiful she was. Her immediate response was no, I'm not beautiful. I had to correct her - I told her she may not feel beautiful, but that is not of the truth.
I won't share about my visit with her - there were some private things discussed between us. So saying, I will tell you and her - I will miss my friend. She knows it is near now. She knows I love her (3 times more) and I know she loves me (again 3 times more) and she is tired.
She has a wonderful loving family - husband and sons, absolutely fabulous daughter-in-love, two sweet grandchildren. She has a strong faith in God - her spirit is unbroken. And she is just about as stubborn as it is possible to be!
She has had to be to get this far! I don't want to say goodbye to her. I don't want her to suffer anymore. And she has suffered, is suffering, and fights on to suffer more because she loves her family and worries about them.
Perhaps, RJ this is the dream. Life is the dream and we will awake when we are done here, THEN we shall live.
Perhaps.
And still I will miss my friend.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Box it up and move it out of here!
Cancer, that is.
There are ways in which that is exactly what I have done. In the EARLY days of this, I was given a notebook which held all manner of information about cancer. I read it - which actually rather surprised the patient navigator who came to visit me in the hospital.
This is my body, my very life, and I want to be informed about it. I want and need to be informed about all aspects of my treatment; surgery, chemo, radiation, the rest of my life. I have done so. My computer has a whole bookmark file"Breast Health" and it is loaded with bookmarks.
I had thought I would be all but completely done with everything by now. After all, this process began in January and here it is November.
Reality, however, intrudes its ugly little head into that little fantasy. I cannot likely have any surgery to improve my aspect until a year after radiation. That means that this time NEXT year I may, possibly, perhaps, might be close to done with this step of the ongoing adventure.
I don't really complain about this. I do lament a wee bit that it is the way it goes. I still have to receive Herceptin for an entire year - which means I should be done with that by the end of March, 2012. But perhaps not.
My infarction rate is not quite what it should be. This means we may decide I have to suspend treatment for a few months to give my heart time to recover which means the treatment will then resume as if I had not taken a little break from it, thereby extending past the previously targeted end date.
I have to take Arimidex for probably the rest of my life. That is no big deal. I can certainly live with taking one prescription.
My dexa scan was "almost" normal. I mean a tiny little bit less than it should be for ideal bone health and status. So - exercise, calcium intake increase, eat lots of fruits and vegetables. That doesn't sound bad at all. I have been craving fruits and vegetables - and eating them like mad. My poor husband must surely be tired of the arrival on the table of broccoli and of winter squash.
As much as I would like to box this whole thing up and pack it away to never be seen again, I know that is unrealistic. I need the information that I have literally put in a box under the table in my family room. I may not need all of it right now, but there is information I will need at any given moment therein. Plus - I had put in that box some of the many cards and well wishes I have received over this period of time. And those are dear to me.
I don't want to look at them. I know that is a weird dichotomy - the treasuring of them and the desire to have nothing to do with them.
I'm just a little fatigued, you see. I will gather myself back up and move forward and get to all of the things that had to be laid by the wayside during this task. It is a little overwhelming, though. I had to lay aside so many things. I hope to pick them up again as graciously as possible.
In the end, the only thing that I really want to put in the box is the fatigue and overwhelm. Because I have found so many blessings along the way. I would never wish cancer on any one. ANYone. Yet throughout this journey, because I kept my eyes on God, because I did strive to love God and be called according to His purpose, oh, how He has blessed me.
There are ways in which that is exactly what I have done. In the EARLY days of this, I was given a notebook which held all manner of information about cancer. I read it - which actually rather surprised the patient navigator who came to visit me in the hospital.
This is my body, my very life, and I want to be informed about it. I want and need to be informed about all aspects of my treatment; surgery, chemo, radiation, the rest of my life. I have done so. My computer has a whole bookmark file"Breast Health" and it is loaded with bookmarks.
I had thought I would be all but completely done with everything by now. After all, this process began in January and here it is November.
Reality, however, intrudes its ugly little head into that little fantasy. I cannot likely have any surgery to improve my aspect until a year after radiation. That means that this time NEXT year I may, possibly, perhaps, might be close to done with this step of the ongoing adventure.
I don't really complain about this. I do lament a wee bit that it is the way it goes. I still have to receive Herceptin for an entire year - which means I should be done with that by the end of March, 2012. But perhaps not.
My infarction rate is not quite what it should be. This means we may decide I have to suspend treatment for a few months to give my heart time to recover which means the treatment will then resume as if I had not taken a little break from it, thereby extending past the previously targeted end date.
I have to take Arimidex for probably the rest of my life. That is no big deal. I can certainly live with taking one prescription.
My dexa scan was "almost" normal. I mean a tiny little bit less than it should be for ideal bone health and status. So - exercise, calcium intake increase, eat lots of fruits and vegetables. That doesn't sound bad at all. I have been craving fruits and vegetables - and eating them like mad. My poor husband must surely be tired of the arrival on the table of broccoli and of winter squash.
As much as I would like to box this whole thing up and pack it away to never be seen again, I know that is unrealistic. I need the information that I have literally put in a box under the table in my family room. I may not need all of it right now, but there is information I will need at any given moment therein. Plus - I had put in that box some of the many cards and well wishes I have received over this period of time. And those are dear to me.
I don't want to look at them. I know that is a weird dichotomy - the treasuring of them and the desire to have nothing to do with them.
I'm just a little fatigued, you see. I will gather myself back up and move forward and get to all of the things that had to be laid by the wayside during this task. It is a little overwhelming, though. I had to lay aside so many things. I hope to pick them up again as graciously as possible.
In the end, the only thing that I really want to put in the box is the fatigue and overwhelm. Because I have found so many blessings along the way. I would never wish cancer on any one. ANYone. Yet throughout this journey, because I kept my eyes on God, because I did strive to love God and be called according to His purpose, oh, how He has blessed me.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Graduation
Should I give a commencement address???
Yay me!! Today was my official LAST DAY OF RADIATION!!
My skin looks very good. I saw my lovely Dr. Newman and she commented that most people's skin reaction looks like mine after only 4 weeks. I had 6 weeks of the full area and then six treatments of the incision area only. So 7 weeks of treatment.
This is 1) years of good skin care (no soap, sun protection, moisturization); 2) gentle cleaning this radiation period with a truly mild soap (Neutrogena) and continued good skin care; 3) good genes and; 4) Excellent Luck!!
Okay, maybe add trying to be properly nourished - vitamins, hydration, veggies, etc.
Don't think, however, that means vegetarianism of any variety. Mmmm, I love me some good beef. We went out to a lovely steak dinner to celebrate the end of the chemo cocktails. We did that right BEFORE the final cocktail so I could actually taste and enjoy the meal;p
Now it is time to move on to the next stage of my treatment; further recovery and getting on with my life!
I am not quite ready to go to the "Image Recovery Specialist" - I think I will wait until my skin is actually healed. To be perfectly honest - I can not begin to tell you how much I am enjoying the not having to worry about a bra that I am currently experiencing.
Look - those girls were EVERYWHERE!! I know that loads of ladies claim they want larger busts, talk about enlargement surgeries, etc.
Are you crazy??? They are heavy! You will get furrows in your shoulders from wearing bras to hold up the big girls. The furrows will never, repeat, never go away. You have to worry all the time about things such as "doggone it, is that button popped open AGAIN??!!" and of course a personal favorite of mine - the old "hello, I am about a foot higher and they are not going to talk you!!" syndrome.
Seriously, while I am working on the one hand with the hole in the metaphysical universe, the underlying feeling of loss of femininity, I am conversely SOO enjoying the lightness, the freedom of not having to deal with it!
There are multiple layers to deal with to every single aspect of this journey. Some of them are positive, some of them are not. Regardless - on I go on my continuing journey to thriving post cancer, post bi-lateral mastectomy.
I wrote that on purpose. Sometimes it is hard to think about "bi-lateral mastectomy." Oh, I know full well what it means and what it is. Mostly I am okay with it. It means I have increased my odds of staying alive and healthy on the planet. It just also means I have to deal with a completely different body image than I ever expected to.
I don't mean that to sound like a complaint, and I hope it doesn't. It is not meant as one, rather it is an observation of my life now.
It is what it is and I don't mind that I have to deal with it. Why not me? I would certainly prefer to take it on my own shoulders than to have someone else take it, whether someone I love or even someone I don't love. I have it. The strength, the ability to walk through it. God has blessed me.
Cancer does have blessings it brings.
Yay me!! Today was my official LAST DAY OF RADIATION!!
My skin looks very good. I saw my lovely Dr. Newman and she commented that most people's skin reaction looks like mine after only 4 weeks. I had 6 weeks of the full area and then six treatments of the incision area only. So 7 weeks of treatment.
This is 1) years of good skin care (no soap, sun protection, moisturization); 2) gentle cleaning this radiation period with a truly mild soap (Neutrogena) and continued good skin care; 3) good genes and; 4) Excellent Luck!!
Okay, maybe add trying to be properly nourished - vitamins, hydration, veggies, etc.
Don't think, however, that means vegetarianism of any variety. Mmmm, I love me some good beef. We went out to a lovely steak dinner to celebrate the end of the chemo cocktails. We did that right BEFORE the final cocktail so I could actually taste and enjoy the meal;p
Now it is time to move on to the next stage of my treatment; further recovery and getting on with my life!
I am not quite ready to go to the "Image Recovery Specialist" - I think I will wait until my skin is actually healed. To be perfectly honest - I can not begin to tell you how much I am enjoying the not having to worry about a bra that I am currently experiencing.
Look - those girls were EVERYWHERE!! I know that loads of ladies claim they want larger busts, talk about enlargement surgeries, etc.
Are you crazy??? They are heavy! You will get furrows in your shoulders from wearing bras to hold up the big girls. The furrows will never, repeat, never go away. You have to worry all the time about things such as "doggone it, is that button popped open AGAIN??!!" and of course a personal favorite of mine - the old "hello, I am about a foot higher and they are not going to talk you!!" syndrome.
Seriously, while I am working on the one hand with the hole in the metaphysical universe, the underlying feeling of loss of femininity, I am conversely SOO enjoying the lightness, the freedom of not having to deal with it!
There are multiple layers to deal with to every single aspect of this journey. Some of them are positive, some of them are not. Regardless - on I go on my continuing journey to thriving post cancer, post bi-lateral mastectomy.
I wrote that on purpose. Sometimes it is hard to think about "bi-lateral mastectomy." Oh, I know full well what it means and what it is. Mostly I am okay with it. It means I have increased my odds of staying alive and healthy on the planet. It just also means I have to deal with a completely different body image than I ever expected to.
I don't mean that to sound like a complaint, and I hope it doesn't. It is not meant as one, rather it is an observation of my life now.
It is what it is and I don't mind that I have to deal with it. Why not me? I would certainly prefer to take it on my own shoulders than to have someone else take it, whether someone I love or even someone I don't love. I have it. The strength, the ability to walk through it. God has blessed me.
Cancer does have blessings it brings.
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