sticky golden orange...

I had my infusion port placed yesterday. I should actually call it implanted. That sounds like it can be more easily removed, right? RIGHT??? I went home that same afternoon as soon as I could. I was still woozy but what was going to change that? I was entirely happy to be home, HOME.

I did wake up in the recovery room and stayed awake this time. At the time of the mastectomy, if you recall I guess I must have awakened there but I recall NOT ONE SECOND there, nor the transport to my room..

This was a procedure that took far less time and was less complex than the previous one, thus less time under and less anesthetic. I am quite happy to report that I was only very mildly nauseated this time.

It does appear that they may have simply poured a whole bottle of betadine solution on me. It apparently trailed all over down my neck and up onto my chin and jaw as well as all over my chest. The nurse and Ruben were able to help me get it at least off of my face and most of my neck. I had asked them what was sticky on my neck - I swear it felt syrup like so thick. I have searched on e-how as to the best way to remove it and they suggest rubbing alcohol and cotton balls or gauze. That certainly sounds drying.... Which is better - ultra super drying and reeking of rubbing alcohol (which I still hate the smell of from its use when I was a small child to try to bring down fevers) or being sticky golden orange?? I think the title of this post may be the answer to that question and I may be so splotchily colored for weeks to come. Super - duper.

Spring steam cleaning

Today is a perfect day for steam cleaning the bathrooms.

Yes, I know, it's raining intermittently and it's humid. Thus, things will stay muggy indoors..

The reason it is a perfect day to steam clean -- ta-da -- is because I CAN.

My stage of recovery is such that I can lift things fairly well, and I do know my limitations on that. My pain level is WAY down over all. My husband is at home to help me where I may need help. Tomorrow I have my infusion port placed and I know that will limit my mobility and ability to do this long enough that if I don't do it today it may not get done. Somehow I can't envision myself emptying the bathroom, vacuuming the floor and steaming everything in sight while feeling rather - and increasingly - ill.

I have been told my many people "Oh some people breeze through chemotherapy." Mayhap so. Some people have different chemo. Some people have different types of and severity of cancer.

Don't get me wrong - I am absolutely delighted to be alive. I have always held that a day above ground is a good day. I believe that whole heartedly!

Nonetheless, in case chemo for me is yucky ( like it ever is NOT yucky!) I want the bathrooms to be super clean!! I may be spending a lot of time there.

I should get some really nice candles..

Adventures in the kitchen

I have cooked and, I must say, cooked pretty well, for a long many years now. I enjoy food, and I enjoy the process of preparing food. Okay, I do have to admit that planning that menu out can be a daunting task. It seems as though you can only think of a very few dishes and that you get in a rut. This, of course, is complicated by the presence of children who tell you "I don't like that" and husbands who won't really tell you what they want and children AND husbands who seem to get in a taste rut themselves and only want you to cook like 4 dishes. BORING!!

Since this little adventure began, I have been TOTALLY blessed by some awesome friends who have kindly provided us with meals as I recover from surgery. It is exciting to get some dishes that some body else lovingly made, it really is! You didn't have to menu plan, you didn't have to think of something to make, you barely have clean up, and these sweet friends of mine are pretty doggone good cooks themselves!!

That said, I have not cooked for over a month. Oh, an occasional salad, which actually sweet Ruben is VERY good about preparing and he has some nice creative salad ideas as well! And I have opened a can of soup here and there or made a sandwich, but - really - I don't call that cooking, do you??? Even creating a quick sauce to go with some tortellini when Ruben is not here. Yeah, I guess it COULD be considered cooking, but that is super easy for me to throw together some mushrooms and spinach and sun dried tomatoes, a little this, a little that and throw it on the pasta with some EVOO. Voila! Fab and fast deliciousness.

So for the first time since before February 15th I made a pot of chili today. Our plan was, make some chili, have the kids over tomorrow for chili dogs (oh yeah with cole slaw, sauerkraut, etc.) and strawberry shortcake like mom used to make.

Allow me to digress - my mother made this FABULOUS strawberry shortcake and I will even share that it is SOOO easy. Bisquick. So you bake up these lightly sweet shortcakes and butter them and put your prepared strawberries on - oh. Heaven. It is my belief that strawberries are one of the many ways God shows us He loves us. Peaches too.

So, back to the chili.

Apparently I am trying to perfect my cajun cooking. Unbeknownst to myself. The house is just starting to smell delicious and I walk out to the kitchen where I thought my chili was simmering gently.

Not so much. Mad, ebullient processes in the chili pot. Doggone it.

I had to remove the pot from the cook surface, dip the non-cajun part into another pot, pick out the blackened segments.... Sigh.
On the upside, Ruben having his best taste abilities related to HOT & SPICY, will probably not even know. (Shh, don't tell him.)

Let's hope I can prepare the shortcakes without attempting to make them blackened!!!

ps - my Doctor called to let me know that the results of the CT Scan were in and that they were good - no apperent traces of cancer anywhere else!!

and I'm Radioactive....

I had the exciting experience yesterday of getting a CT scan AND a bone scan....
For the bone scan, they inject you with radioactive isotopes. Since I was going to also have the CT scan (also called a CAT scan), They then sent me down the hall to the CT area.

I was advised of all of the wonderful potential side effects of the injection contrast dye that could might maybe sometimes happen and then I got to have the delightful treat of drinking this barium some something drink - available in a delicious assortment of flavors such as banana, berry, vanilla and choco-cinno. I initially chose the chococinno as I had had to fast that morning for this test and maybe maybe maybe it might be sort of coffee licious.

Or not, as it turns out. Thirty minutes later I get another bottle of this stuff. I'm sorry - I actually have a good vocabulary and "stuff" seems inadequate. Unfortunately - "stuff" is actually the kind choice. It is not exactly liquid in that it is thick and chalky. It is not truly paste eas it is more liquid than that and calling it a beverage is also inaccurate as that implies something that you might actually WANT to drink, so stuff is pretty accurate...

I had been given a further option, mind you - I could have 4, count them FOUR bottles of this mixture OR I could have 2 bottles and another option THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT. TRUST ME - DO NOT ASK!!! I opted for 2 and the mysterious unknowable unspeakable, thank you...

I proceeded into the scan room laid down on the table and , well, proceeded. They inject me through the IV catheter with some contrast dye and do the testing.

The purpose of the CT is to make sure there is no remnant and no metastasis any where else in my body - chest, abdomen, belly area....

The machine tells you when to breathe, when to hold your breath, and when to breathe again. It further advises you "Do not look directly into the laser" - sort of like the so called idiot box on envelopes. You know "Place postage stamp here."

So then I get to get dressed again in human aka "street" clothes and leave. For a while. My sweet husband brought me some lunch and we went to park under a tree and eat.

I had to wait until the isotopes were absorbed into my bones before I could go back.

We went to the Library. My husband LOVES the little "Friends of The Library" Gift Shop. We scoured the book racks there and bought several hard backs in good condition for like $1 each.

As you leave the library you go through these sensors to make sure you are not either stealing books or DVDs or whatever or to remind you to check out. Your choice.

I had been standing near it when this young woman walked through and it went off. Lights flashing, ugly buzzy beeping. She looked confused as she had no books, stepped back to re-exit and I stepped back too. She went through just fine..

As we left, hubby went through with no problems. I walk through red flashing lights, buzzers going crazy. I have only my purse with me...

I checked later with the Nuclear Medicine nurse about that -"Oh, yes. The isotopes do set off those sensors."
I thought that was pretty funny. I glow in the dark in more than one way now....

PS - Bone scan results were very good. I have good bones!!

And Now for a List of Upcoming Attractions..

My goodness. I have been given my assignments...

I went to H Lee Moffitt Cancer Center last week and saw a lovely doctor, Dr. Han, in whom I have full confidence that she gave me the "straight skinny."

She outlined a regimen for me of a chemo cocktail every 3 weeks, for 6 times, followed by continuing an infusion of one of the drugs every 3 weeks for a complete year. After the cocktail I get to have radiation - we didn't go into how many times, how often, etc., but then I have a little time to do further investigation on that!! - then I will finish up by taking a pill which I will continue to take for 5 years. She did further advise, however, that recent studies have indicated that I may want to take that pill for the rest of my life! Yikes!

My assignments were - go get a bone scan, a CT (aka CAT) scan, a heart scan, and have an infusion port placed in my body.

She advised me she would be happy to be my doctor but at the same time she understands the additional difficulty traveling 4 hours one way would be difficult - especially as I am also to receive an injection the day before, the day of, and the day after each chemo treatment to help my platelets recover. Plus - oh this one sounds fun! - I am to be sure that should I develop a fever or signs of an infection during my chemo regimen I should treat that as a life threatening emergency and proceed immediately to the ER to receive an IV infusion of antibiotics.

I am happy to report that there is another local physician I can go to that she seemed to think would be a good doctor and that it would be advisable to have a hemo/onco with whom I could interact locally. Turns out this Doctor is a member of my parish, I have checked around and heard only good things about him, AND - he is sweet Marilyn's Doctor. Marilyn is my "new wife." She married my ex husband, keeps him happy - which certainly helps make my life easier, has always been kind and loving to my sons. They love her too. She had a horrible, very bad time with cancer herself and the Doc in question calls her "his miracle patient."

So, Monday morning I called my surgeon's office and asked them to refer me. Later that day I got a call from a pleasant person in his office to let me know I have an appointment Friday with him. I told her about my "orders" and she said she would get everything lined up.

When I saw my surgeon Tuesday we set an appointment for port placement.

SO - tomorrow I have a CT scan and a bone scan. Friday I see the Dr. Next Wednesday I have the port placed, and April 5th I have the heart scan.

I seem to be suddenly flying into the maelstrom. That's good, though.

Soonest started, soonest ended....

One month ago - Captivating

I want to tell you about my sweet friend Darlene. When she found out about my then impending surgery, she told me she was going to spend the night with me at the hospital. Darlene is a nurse, and after working all day she was going to come spend the night with me at the hospital, go home in the morning to shower and change and then go back to work. Ah, you see now - a valiant warrior in true feminine form.

When I awoke after surgery in my hospital room, my husband, my son, my daughter (okay, technically Ruben's daughter, but I am claiming her too) magically appeared there with me in the room. Three times. Joo-joo.. That is to say - oh man, I was drugged out of my mind! General anesthetic is a weird thing, a blessing and nonetheless a weird thing.

I was given a dinner tray at one point in my evening. It consisted of some strange sort of cream of wheat-ish looking stuff, iced tea (which I just don't drink. Those of you who know - I am re-knowned for making really good iced tea, I just don't drink it myself.), ice cream, pudding - just an assortment of easy to digest items that should be easy on a drugged out person...

I ate maybe three bites of the cream of wheatish looking stuff and knew immediately I didn't want anything else to eat AT ALL. I had been given some water and I was drinking that - oh I was thirsty. I believe that I promptly ejected all the items I had ingested. Helplessly, unable to so much as hold up my own head, and wondering while really feeling like crying - how is it possible to have this much in my stomach to throw up? It seems like I can't stop and I felt OH SO CRAPPY!!

My time line is blurred for this day, at least post surgery. Was this while my family was there? Was this during one of the times that they magically apparated? I don't know. The next day, Ruben asked me if I had seen the card that my sweet friend Joanne had dropped off. "Joanne was here?" I asked wonderingly. As he related details of her visit it came back to me in great and intricate detail, oh yes - she was there but this drug brain had lost it in the deep mist of the fog caused by the anesthetic; very weird.

But I digress - Darlene was there. All night she was there. When I stirred, she was instantly alerted and attentive to any and every detail of my situation. It was not the kind of pajama party that you would really want to have, we nonetheless had a mini slumber party in between pain killer delivery, passing out when trying to get up to attend to one's business, oh it was not a fun night and yet, and yet. We did have fun too. I will confess that at one point Darlene asked me if the street light outside my window was bothering me at all. I told her that no, I hadn't really even noticed it until then. Some time later she laughed at herself and told me it was the moon. "Oh, yeah," I said, "I guess the 7th floor is a little high for a street light to shine in from above." So - we are both blondes after all.

She was a blessing to me and her kind and gentle presence was a great comfort. She later told me that she had said to herself "Oh, Melanie has a sweet little soft voice. But then, I've watched football with you." I had to crack up at that. I get VERY LOUD while watching football..

So my sweet friend Darlene gave me this book. We had discussed it during that night as I had related to her my conviction that I was supposed to reach out and talk to women, particularly young women about the beauty that they possess and overcoming the lies that prevent them from realizing it. It is named Captivating; Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge. OMG!!! This is an amazing book! It completely confirms to me what I MUST do, what I MUST know and share. It completely confirms for me the sweet blessing that is Darlene, the sweet blessing that we are called - as women- to be for each other.

A gift from God, through the ugly fearful presence of cancer - a gift of great value.

I wonder

It's a beautiful morning, filled with the promise of warmth and of many more beautiful days to follow. I cannot help but wonder - how many will I see?

Does that sound morose? I see how it could, but then - re-frame that thought. Because, after all, how many more will YOU see?

This - oh "this" would be having cancer, having had surgery, having to recognize it was actually MAJOR surgery, dealing with the trauma of recovering from surgery and the many oddities related thereto, facing chemotherapy, facing probable radiation followed by MORE chemotherapy, facing my own mortality in a very personal way, knowing I have LOTS left to do, desiring to LIVE for many more years (okay maybe not 55 more, but still - maybe 50???) - this is an adventure that is not one I would choose to have. Nobody asked me that, though. And I DO desire to walk this road in beauty and grace. My heart cries out to God for His presence to strengthen me, to calm me, to lift me. And oh, He does, for which I am truly grateful and for which I feel so blessed.

And regardless of that, I am human. When I am tired, physically fatigued especially, I am prone to all those human weaknesses to just overwhelm me. And make no mistake, I am tired. I am tired of not being able to just up and do whatever I was used to doing before this happened. I am tired of aching. I am tired of the anxiety that ripples around the edges of my existence threatening to rear up and color everything - EVERY thing with fear and worry and defeatism and ugliness. I am tired of looking at my "new" body and looking away, tearfully because even though I know this is a transition period and I won't look like this forever, not even for THAT much longer, oh - it is not a pretty sight, it is alien, it is frightening to face in the mirror. I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of complaining too - fortunately for you!!

And so - every day - when I feel tired of something, anything, I try to re-frame it and mostly I am successful in that effort. Look, the fact of the matter is I fought long and hard for many years to overcome all manner of negative things and to be able to claim the amazing and wonderful gift from God of a joyous heart - a gift that for so many years I did not know I had - - oh too hard won is that gift to surrender just because I have cancer.

Big doggone deal. Cancer - ppffflt. I spit on you, cancer. I will not surrender to the dark night of fear with which you try to cover me . I will not lie down and wallow in self pity or loneliness and nor ever will I give in to the despair you carry with you.

NO. I wonder, instead, what gift is this that awaits me as I fight each battle, small or large. What new wonder awaits me as I walk through what looked like a mine field ahead of me that, looking back upon was merely a rock in the middle of a path, what wonderful wonder is that?

I will be a warrior goddess - please note the lower case g... because God will be with me. He will be with me through so many friends and family members who have already shown me such kindness.

I thank you, my sweet family and friends who have prayed for me and with me, and sent me meals, and cards, and kindness. Wonder with me: wonder what marvels await, what miracles are around each of us, wonder how beautiful it will all be in the end. Wonder how much love the human heart is holding - how can an ocean be held in so small a vessel?

I wonder..

HOA doesn't mean Home Owner's Association to me....

I wake up one morning last week and go to my post - op appointment at my surgeon's. He tells me that they are having a hard time setting up my referral appointment as they are, apparently short 2 doctors, however they(surgeon's office) are continuing to try to get things set up.

I very much like my surgeon. He has a certain formality, but he is professional AND compassionate. He actually listens to what you have to say and he does have a (somewhat dry) sense of humor. This appointment is only 2 weeks after my surgery and I am SORE!! I was worried enough to take a pain killer prior to my appointment in case this was going to be painful. They remove 2 of the surgical drains (oh, so nice to be rid of them!) and all of the staples. There were a few little twinges of pain, but truly nothing out of the ordinary for what I have been living with post op anyway. Very delicate touch from the nurse & Dr Z, and if you are one who is worried about this - piece of cake. Truly. He advises when they are removing the drains "you are going to feel a little pull" and that is ALL I felt there, just a tiny bit of pressure from a pull and it was 100% NOT painful.

The next day, Wednesday, I get a phone call. A Nascar speed voice telling me "This is someone you don't know from some place you've never heard of reminding you of your appointment tomorrow at 2:30."

Hmm, I write these things down for a reason. I don't recall ANY appointment scheduled for the next day and checking my calendar, I have nothing scheduled for the next day.

I should digress here, for a minute to let you know - I am really quite nice. People like me, I do my best to "throw sugar before me" - you know, be nice to begin with so people will also want to be nice back, I make a conscious effort to be kind and I am NOT an idiot. Okay, maybe not the single most intelligent person on the planet, but I actually do have a functioning brain and at least a degree of intelligence that is above "average" - whatever that may mean. (And now back to our story)

I process this message and say "Well, for it to be a reminder I would have to know about it to begin with and this is the first I've heard of it."

(Mysterious Nascar Speaker Person, hereinafter referred to as MNSP) - "Well, it's tomorrow at 2:30"

me - "Okay. And it's where?"

(MNSP) " R-----s Road"

(me) -thinking "Is there an address?"

(MNSP) "1632. You'll need to be there early because you will have paperwork to fill out, you will be seeing the PA (physician's assistant), not the doctor and you will need to bring picture ID and your insurance card."

(me) - "Okay."
click - end of call. So THEN I hang up the phone.

About an hour later, the surgeon's office calls to let me know they have heard I have an appointment. I let her know that I have heard so, although I did think you needed to know about something before you could be reminded of it to which she says "Yes, I did too."

Did I mention that EVERYONE at my surgeon's office has been nice? They are friendly, human kind faces and personalities to people who may be at an all-time scary moment in their lives. You ALWAYS get a human when you call and they are just helpful. Gotta love them!!

So my sweet and wonderful husband and I drive in to town the next day - early for the appointment so we have time to do what must be done. When I walk in I recognize the voice of (MNSP) as the receptionist. I sign in, she lets me know that she will have some paperwork for me in just a minute. The phone rings and she allows it to interrupt her, shows visible 100% exasperation and says "Oh, these phones!! They can just quit ringing!"

Hmm. Isn't answering the phone part of your job as a receptionist? Shouldn't that not be such a horrible, upsetting thing to you? Wouldn't it be wise to learn to deal with that with calm? Maybe that's crazy talk....

I get my paperwork a few minutes later and another couple comes in, registers and are seated. As I am filling out my paperwork, (MSNP) calls out to them - "Oh, Mr. xxxx, your appointment has been moved to next week." Mrs. xxxx goes up to the front desk and very calmly, very nicely tells her "No, that was the appointment the referring physician originally set up and I called you and changed it to today."

(MNSP) "Well, I'm not saying you're not telling the truth or anything, but (!!!!!!!) as I recall, you did start to change the appointment but then you said 'no, keep that appointment, we'll hurry back and make this appointment.' "



(Mrs. xxxx) "No, we're going on a cruise. There IS no coming back early. I would not have said that to you."

(MNSP) " Hmm. Well, I'll just try to grab the doctor when he comes out and see if he can fit you in."

Oh, I'm thinking as I hear this. No one "behind the glass" even blinked as this silly child - who was, by the way really a cute little adorable young girl - lied, impugned a customer/patient both by calling them a liar AND insulting their intelligence with the weak unbelievability of the wild tale thrown out TO call them liars. No one even blinked. This tells me this goes on all the time. This tells me there is no integrity in this office. This tells me there is no respect for the humans who walk in this door to seek treatment for horrible, awful,very bad things and that there is no personal accountability required of any employee here. That's not good..

As we continue our wait.... (MNSP) hollers out - "Could you maybe come back tomorrow?" to Mr. and Mrs. Xxxx.

(Mrs. Xxxx) - "We are leaving tomorrow, there is no way we will have time to do all the things we need to do. I took today off from work specifically so we could make this appointment. Is it really necessary that we see the doctor this soon? Could we reschedule for when we return from our vacation?" Mrs. Xxxx goes up to the window...

(MNSP) " oh, sure. Here, come on this day and time."

(Mrs. Xxxx) - " Oh, we have an appointment at MD Anderson in Orlando on that day. What about (suggested alternative) instead?"

The appointment is satisfactorily changed for this couple and I think "Oh yeah, you'll be going to MD Anderson and not coming back to this place!!"

Finally at 3:09 for our 2:30 appointment we are called back by the PA. Have you ever though about how it is a very natural thing to introduce yourself to someone? You extend your hand easily and exchange names, a social gesture that is relaxed and smooths the way for whatever transactions follow? Not so much here. She apologizes for the wait in a way that can only be described as something that has become very common and rote for her. As the door closes and she directs us into the "inner sanctum" she literally stops, assumes a robotic pose, a dramatic and artificial presentation of her extending her hand and introducing herself. I checked my husband's perception of this later and he agreed that is an apt description.

We spend the next 20 minutes or so sitting while she makes a folder up of all kinds of papers, including the paperwork I had filled out almost an hour before. She comments as she organizes the file of information she has obviously never before seen (what are you gonna do?) ' Oh, this has been a turbulent six weeks for you'' (really? hadn't noticed) and "oh, your surgery was only 2 weeks ago" Yes, and I mention I am still VERY sore.

She asks me to tell her about the appointment at Moffitt Cancer Center. I have no info to offer and tell her so, that I just wanted a second opinion and that is all I know at this point. She tells me that she is going to let the Doctor prescribe what medication I may be getting (Oh, that's good - the Doctor can actually do what HE does..) and blah, blah, blah.

We move to the "exam table" where she is going to take my BP, etc. She puts this gadget on my left wrist and moves my arm up toward my chest with velocity. I know she is intending to rest my arm against my chest. That is NOT going to happen. I resist and tell her "I am not going to touch myself - it hurts." She laughs it off with some inane comment or other and checks my ears. (I guess healthy ears makes for better blood pressure reading - just kidding). She come at me with the stethoscope. I again mention that I am SORE, warning her off of touching my chest area so she listens to my throat. Hmm, I don't recall any one listening to my throat before, but whatever. She then puts the stethoscope on my left chest wall. I flinch, and say "careful" - the left is only tender and doesn't hurt too badly. She then places the stethoscope with pressure on the sorest spot I have on my body on the right chest. Did you catch that I have repeatedly mentioned I AM SORE. My body only 2 weeks out of surgery does not want you or anyone to touch me!!! It HURTS!!! When she puts that stetho on me I flinch, I push her hand away and mention IT HURTS. She throws her hand up and says - quite sarcastic and demeaning in manner "Oh, Seriously?" I swear to you she says this. I am now shocked at this demeanor. I don't hit her - which maybe I should have just decked her and she'd about know how it felt. My mind is running with "Am I a big baby?" - which I am not, "Am I a liar?" - which I am not, "Am I some drama queen?" - again the answer is NO I AM NOT! She stethos me again - at least in a slightly less painful location as I am STUNNED and processing these thoughts, fighting tears and breathing through the pain. {Come on, Mel, it won't be much longer, you can do it, breathe!}

She then tells us "it will be just a few minutes" and leaves the room. What will be just a few minutes? ????

Three different times she pops her head in, once she gives me copies she has made of the final surgical pathology report (which I had forgotten to ask for at the surgeon's), once only to make the comment and the 3rd time to give me a hard copy of a booklet that I already bookmarked on my PC, each time telling us "It will be just a few more minutes."

Sweet husband asks me "how long are you willing to wait?" Sweet husband can see I am fading fast. I ask him "what time is it anyway?" It is almost 4:30 pm.

"Come on, babe, we're leaving' as he grabs my stuff. I gather my purse and my jacket and follow. He has come across a nurse in the hallway and tells her "we've been here more than 2 hours. She needs to rest." I follow up with my appearance in the hall and the comment "I am at the end of my energy."

She tells us to let the receptionist know. MNSP is totally flustered about our sudden appearance with no paperwork and checks to be sure she has a number whereby we can be contacted.

By the time we get home I have two, count them 2 messages from these people. One is from a Dr. B---------, who the PA had referred to but who is no one I had ever heard of before expressing shock and concern that I had had to leave and perhaps we could come back tomorrow or next week and it would be a better experience and they had really tried to accommodate me (REALLY?! How was that?) and please call ***-**** to set up a follow up appointment, it is really important to start my therapy soon. Uh - huh. The next call was from MNSP whose name as it turns out is Haley, admittedly easier to remember than MNSP, and she has scheduled me an appointment for the next day (Friday) at 4 pm. Please call to confirm or deny that appointment. I do call the next day. They ahve one of those wonderful perpetual robot answering systems listen closely as your options have changed recordings. I finally get to a place where there is an option, figure scheduling and it goes to someone's voice mail. I hang up and try again an hour later. Same deal. I figure if they don't get the message that is really not my problem and leave a message "Haley asked me to let you know if I could make a 4 pm appointment this afternoon, oh no, no no no no I will not be there."

When will my next appointment be with this HOA group? When pigs fly..

Mysterious Grace

When my mother was expecting me those many years ago - yes, to many that was back before the dawn of time - she was apparently told by every living person she encountered what to name me. This kind of ticked her off and raised the contrary in her (oh yes, that is where I got it!) to a fever pitch. She came across a name in some book she was reading and liked the sound of it, the look of it, the way it was completely unlike any name that she was being told to name me. Being a good Catholic (convert) she knew she also needed a Saint's name in the mix and so with these two things in mind, when I made my appearance I was gifted - truly, I was - with a beautiful name; Melanie Ann.

Melanie means 'black' or 'mysterious' - and surely you can see the poetic segue into mysterious there, and Ann means 'grace', therefore my name means 'Mysterious Grace'.

Mind you, God's hand on my life has always been present and protective and I can say with the utmost confidence that the meaning of my name -- mysterious grace -- is truly the definition of my life.

As a child I was very ill - I nearly died from medical conditions three times - but by God's mysterious grace I lived. Every bad thing in my life, every difficult thing in my life, caused by poor choices on my part, "circumstances", stupidity, or even serendipity - the very worst things I can look back on and see how protected from the very worst I have been.

In all things, in all ways, He has protected me, sheltered me, guided me, loved me. When I have battled, when I have been a warrior fully armored with fire and destruction raining down around my head, I have not stood alone. He has held the sword I thought I wielded, He has been the armor that shielded me. He has been the peace that surrounds me. Scratch that, He IS the peace that surrounds me. It has been made clear to me that I am His instrument of beauty and grace.

It is my intention, my prayer, my desire, my hope that through this path that is before me, a walk through cancer, a battle that I will win that I will stand, I will rest in Him and be a fitting instrument of His beauty and grace.

The big C

Well, here I am starting a change in direction for this blog. I will use this to advise people (oh, so many who are readers, right? what - maybe zero??) of my crucible.

I found a lump in my breast.

Simple enough words, and not any really big deal - it didn't seem out of the ordinary. But I went to the doctor, who upon palpation felt that it did, indeed, present as normal, but advised I should go have a mammogram anyway. I concurred with that, particularly as I had not kept up with mammograms as I really should have done. That was December 27th. I scheduled the mammogram and it was on January 18th. The mammogram was followed by an immediate sonogram where I saw the lump in question. It was oh so dangerously asymmetrical. I knew then what was ahead. On January 20th I saw the surgeon. On January 28th I had a core biopsy done. On February 2nd I had an appointment with my GP to "discuss the results" of the core biopsy. On February 7th I had an MRI. Feb 9th I dropped by the lab to have bloodwork done for regular "healthy" reasons. Feb 10 my husband and I went to the surgeon's office. We had discussed all our options at length and we told the surgeon then - let's go, let's go now and let's go bi-lateral. There was something questionable on the left as well and this had been brutal in its anxiety causing ability just so far. I am not doing this again.

Feb 14th, TMH for pre-op. Feb 15th, regular well check at the doctor's office. (Heck, my week was shot anyway, why not keep this appointment?) Feb 16th, in to the hospital for surgery. Feb 18th home again.

Out of the whirlwind and a little time to heal before any next step occurs.