January 18th, 2010 I went for the mammogram. I had found the lump that just could be questionable, and which my GP thought presented NOT abnormally - but let's just get a mammo to be safe - on my right breast.
The technician came back in to get some additional shots on my left as something a little mysterious presented there.
What?? The left? Okay, okay a few more times of having every bit of elasticity squeezed out of my body -- fine, fine, fine.
Then "we're going to go ahead and do a sonogram now." Hmm. Okay.
Now a sonogram is actually pretty cool. And did I mention it's painless?
Its other advantage is the complete beautiful clarity in what you see. I could see with great clarity that the lump in my breast was larger than I had thought and so very asymmetrical in shape.
Uh-oh. That's not good.
And so began the reality that one does NOT want to have.
Now, almost a year later (yes, I know it is not quite 1 year) and I have traveled well down a road I would not have chosen to take. I would not choose this road for anyone.
I am now attending "Transitions" a program at TMH Cancer Center as I am that far down the road to recovery.
I must say that we were pushed towards considering ourselves "cancer thrivers" at last week's meeting. I have been thinking about that and I have come to the definite conclusion I will NOT consider myself a "cancer thriver."
Cancer does NOT define me. Names like cancer patient, cancer survivor, cancer thriver - they each connect the individual to cancer inextricably.
That is NOT how it is for me and nor should it be for any one who has fought cancer. Does the possibility exist that I could have a recurrence of cancer? Yes, unfortunately, that could happen. Should that event occur I will deal with it. I'll deal with it then.
So what am I? While cancer does not define me it did provide a (very unpleasant) defining moment in my life.
And on that ugly road I have traveled I have also found many blessings. I am thankful to cancer. I am thankful for cancer.
There is within me a fragility that I keep hidden. I hide it from my loved ones as well as those not within my inner circle. It is a fragility that is hidden by strength and partially caused by strength and so I must cherish it and nurture it and allow it to strengthen me further.
I am called by some of my supporters "a rock" - and I am.
Like a diamond - a stone so hard it can destroy, it can cut other substances, it can survive, it can be formed and enhanced, it can form and enhance others, it reflects and plays with the light, and it can be shattered.
This diamond, however; this diamond ME, I will wield wisely. I will enhance it with miraculous recovery abilities - which comes from God, and which we have power to enhance only through Him.
So Cancer Patient? I was and technically still am as I am not through with treatment yet. But no - that is pretty passive and I have NOT been passive on this journey.
Cancer survivor? Well, I am surviving cancer and that is my life intention but - no; I survive this incident, I am NOT this incident.
Cancer thriver? Actually I hate that term. It implies to me that I am thriving with cancer, embracing it, seeking it as a friend. Well, I am NOT thriving with cancer! I am kicking cancer to the curb and not welcoming it into my presence again!!
Even though there are ways in which I am not doing as well as some people think I am - I am simultaneously doing even better than most people think I am doing.
I am a warrior, a victor, a princess of this realm.
Cancer is not welcome here.
Call me a warrior princess.
