The score is 23 - 5

That is - I have now officially had 23 radiation treatments with only 5 more left to go!!

It is more inconvenience than anything else for me (sorry to be so redundant!) and I am feeling a little bit of a sting now. That Mary Kay Ltd Edition After Sun Replenishing Gel is absolutely fabulous though!! It immediately cools and soothes the sting which is making me very happy, indeed!

Today is my 16th anniversary!

This year has been very difficult. That could probably go without saying. The fact of the matter is, however, that it has brought many blessings with it as well as the hardships.

My favorite blessing - I know absolutely and without question that I hit the jackpot with marrying my husband. I know absolutely that he loves me. And I hope he knows absolutely that I love him.

grocery shopping

something I really don't like to do even while I like to do it....

This year has been such a disruption in the grocery shopping process!

I have, indeed, learned that if I don't have a meal plan for the week I go to the store and come home with several half meals, nothing goes together and I have no idea what I am making for dinner!

So I make a weekly meal plan and then I can actually get groceries in that work, I save money by sticking to my plan and list (unless the husband is with me and in a "hey, let's get this" mood, but that is a whole other story) and I know what we are having for dinner!

The problem earlier (as in during chemo) was that I hardly cared what I ate since I couldn't taste it anyway, most things bothered my stomach, and I still needed to put something on the table that Ruben would eat.

Now, so saying, let me say that Ruben will actually eat almost anything you put before him. He may smother it with Tabasco sauce, he may request that it never appear again, but generally he is willing to try anything - once.

The problem is - and I know that surely every wife in the world must face this problem - when asked what he might like to eat this week the answer is usually "Oh, I don't care, dear. Whatever you feel like making."

I hate to tell you this people but they NEVER have that at the store. Had you noticed? Every grocery store I have ever been to is ALWAYS out of "whatever" and "I don't care" -- isn't that your experience too?

I am a fairly good cook and I mostly enjoy the cooking process. I just seem to get in a rut and become able to only think of a few things, a limited and redundant few things to cook. Then when a suggestion is actually made I will get this aversion to it. At least, momentarily. When I do solicit requests, though, they at least will help me springboard to other ideas.

So I signed up for "Food on the Table" for a 3 month period to see if that will help. I know it WILL help plan meals. I just have to direct the contrary streak within me so I can utilize the meal planning service effectively!

I must say that during chemo when so many sweet friends brought meals to us - (some of which I was even able to fully taste!) it was such a blessing! I didn't have to think about what to cook, what to eat, what to buy and I know some really good cooks!!!

Every meal brought to us was an offering of love and kindness and wishes for improved health and I value them more than I can say. Sweet RJ brought paper goods. Genius!!! I would not have thought of that but one does need paper towels and napkins and storage bags and disposable plates and cutlery and such.

I am SO happy to be having this problem!! I cannot begin to properly communicate the absolute JOY of having to figure out what to eat, what to buy, what to cook after having had the chemo induced mindset of "Eat? Really?" I am delighted to no longer be existing on cottage cheese and flour tortillas. I LOVE to taste food again!!

So bring on the menu planning problems!! I can use a service for that and I will let you know how that goes!!

The Countdown - 9 to go!

I have had 19 radiation treatments after yesterday afternoon's. NINE to go!!!

I can say that FOR ME - this has been more of an inconvenience than anything else.

My skin is red where I am targeted for radiation. It sometimes stings but truly is not itchy nor is it what I would call painful at all. I am taking very good care of my skin. I use Neutrogena Rain Bath to shower, I pat my skin dry and I am using Mary Kay After Sun Replenishing Gel - which I did run by my doctor and she told me as long as I had no problems with it - go for it. The MK product was a Limited Edition item but I ordered like 7 tubes of it and I have plenty. It immediately cools and soothes and moisturizes so I am good to go.

I know that I am blessed in this state of affairs. It is possible that I will yet develop other side effects. I could blister and peel and such. I just have not.

Fatigue is a side effect that they say most people get. I have been tired since February so - how would I know if I have this side effect? It has sort of become my new normal. Okay, it has become a part of my new normal.

My neck is definitely better. I would rate it at about 80% of what it should be. That is - it still is a little uncomfortable and I watch out for how I move it but I have definitely an increase in my ability to turn my head and it is WAY less painful!!!!

I have to get going with my day - so this brief post is all that you get today!!

13 Down

Radiation treatments, that is.

I am red and sometimes my skin feels sting-y (new word??) - not to be confused with stingy...

I feel a tightness of muscle and skin - but not bad, and I feel the sting occasionally. I am slathering on the lotion to cool and soothe and moisturize my skin. I am doing exercises to keep the muscle able to move over the bones as Marvelous Marilyn the lymphedema specialist advised. My neck is feeling better a bit at a time. I am doing what I can.

I really must say - I feel GREAT!!!

After chemo - this is a piece of cake people!!! Yes, it is painful for my neck while I am undergoing treatment. The fact is - even when it brought me to tears once I was able to move out of the position for radiation -- done. Done with pain, done with discomfort even. YAY!!

So today (Monday the 19th of September) will mark the midway of radiation treatments unless Dr. Newman sees some reason to go for more than the expected 28. I haven't felt much in the way of fatigue, although that is a side effect of radiation that can come later, even after I am done with therapy.

I need to start doing research on what I will take for the next 5 years (okay, according to Moffitt I will need to take it for the rest of my life) because I think it is important to be an informed patient. Plus, I would like minimal side effects.

Please keep my friend Randine in your prayers. Today she starts her chemo - for the second go around - in her ongoing battle against appendix cancer. Having had chemo cocktails the one round - I don't know right now if I could do it again. I think that if I had to I would find the courage, but oh my goodness. Having the knowledge of how bad an experience it is would make it something to fear facing again. So - keep her uplifted, please. Her cancer is a rare and difficult one anyway!

*#%*@, That Hurt!

Today I went to radiation (treatment # 11) and to be re-marked.

If you recall, I am very colorful now with dots and marks all over me where they target the radiation. It was time to move the marks in order to change the center a little bit. This will minimize the chance of having "cold" spots in the middle of the target, thereby increasing the effectiveness of radiation.

The problem arises because my neck is really bothering me right now. The form that is made at the beginning of this process is to hold you in the correct position to expose the maximum target area. It has no connection to comfort or actual support for your body.

So imagine yourself on a flat metal table - they do provide a form into which or more accurately, onto which you place your legs. This does ease some burden on your back but its true purpose is to help you hold still in the right position. You sit down and swing your legs up onto the table and then you have to find exactly where your head and arms go and lie down. Oops, I forgot. You have to slip your arms out of the "gown" prior to lying down so the techs can move it out of the way in order to radiate.

So there I am with my neck hurting, pulling muscles that do NOT want to be pulled - to the degree that I literally hold my head in my hands to place it in the "rack." I have to turn my head towards the left, away from the focus of the machine, and up a bit while at the same time both arms are raised up above my head and hands folded sort of around each other.

Now if radiation only took as long as radiation actually takes it should be no problem. That is about 2 minutes.

But it ALWAYS takes longer than the actual radiation. First you have to be checked to be absolutely certain you are in the correct position. Then you have to be moved up or down or - oh it's always SOME where - to be ready for the rays.

Today, while I am desperately trying to surrender to the pain - and not really succeeding very well, and then trying to breathe through it, I am getting new marks placed on my chest wall and it is taking sooooome time. And it is hurting, hurting, hurting.

Monday when I had gone in, I must admit my neck was actually much worse than today. I have treated with tylenol and hot packs and breathing and exercises to stretch (gently) and strengthen and actually have met with some success.

Today, though, even with improvement was quite trying. Kathy and Dutch, my radiology techs, really are nice and they try to be quick. However, by dint of my neck not being quite right it is harder to get me in just the right position, then marking, then they had to take pictures and, oh yes - some Doctor had to advise. This was not my doctor today, and I know he was trying to inform and be helpful.

I, however, really felt like saying to him "DUDE!! I understand what is going on, Dutch & Kathy & Dr. Newman have already advised me and I am in pain so could you just hurry the heck up and don't talk to me???? Please??"

Good manners, however - thanks mom - kept me silent and by the time the process was done I was in tears.

I really am not a cry baby and I certainly like to fancy myself stalwart and strong - even in my weakness and vulnerabilities. But I just couldn't keep my eyes from leaking.

I've heard it said that when you offer up your suffering, etc. -- oh you can sure tell my Catholicism there! -- some poor soul benefits. Somebody might have made it to Heaven today.

About That Gauntlet....

OMG!! I did get the call that the Gauntlet was in and I went and bought it.

I am supposed to acclimate to it by starting to wear it in bits at a time. Unfortunately, I can only wear this for MAYBE 30 minutes. At the end of that time, my thumb is NUMB and it is simply way TOO uncomfortable.

I called the fabulous Marilyn, my lymphedema specialist and we discussed the problem. Because I have NOT had a problem yet she did say we could try a size larger (even though small IS the size my hand fits for), but to watch if I do have a problem because the larger size may not be adequate to keep my hand in the right pressure.

The thing is, the gauntlet I bought was $36. The other brand she recommended - in small - costs $50. I have to get another sleeve at $50 AND I will need to get TWO gauntlets as well. So I would prefer to not pay $200 if I can pay only $172 for what I am supposed to wear. (ONLY $172!!)

Now, my sweet little husband was of the mind that I don't really need a gauntlet anyway. I mentioned this to Marilyn who told me the reason I DO want a gauntlet is in the event of a "lymphedema attack," if you will, which is something that sooner or later WILL happen, I will end up with a normal sized arm because I will have been wearing the sleeve and a HUGE BIG SWOLLEN PUFFY lymphedema fat hand. And that once an area becomes congested it takes a L-O-N-G time to decongest an area. I will need to wear the sleeve and gauntlet ANY and every time I get on an airplane, go to a higher elevation (not as in from the 53 foot elevation of my home to the huge elevation of 100 feet, but to the mountains, say Denver... whatever), and when doing repetitive movements such as exercise, lots of typing (OOPS!), etc.

So - today on my list is run by and talk to the people about a different size of gauntlet vs the more expensive BRAND of gauntlet, etc.

The sleeve was not that big a deal to accustom myself to wearing, I am hoping that a different gauntlet will be the same - a relatively minor inconvenience as opposed to PAIN and amputating my thumb!!!

Thus far, I have had four actual radiation treatments and have had no problems. I'll take that!! Mind you, down the road it could - okay probably WILL change. However, after chemo - this will be a much easier experience!!

More later!!