So my house has NOT had a good vacuuming since my sweet baby sister visited me last MAY and vacuumed the house for me. She says she hates to vacuum and I did not ask her - it was a gift of love she gave me.
I have been hating this mess! My indoor cat, Tiberius, is a fur making machine. Truly, I cannot figure out why he is not bald.
I have a Dirt Devil canister vac, small but effective. I have used it throughout this year but I just really cannot use it on the carpets. It causes discomfort and so I have let go of clean carpets unless the husband vacuums them.
Having reached full out sick and tired and D-O-N-E with it, I checked out the Consumer Reports buying guide and settled on a Hoover bagless upright as what I most likely needed in order to regain clean floors. I ordered model UH70120, Consumer Reports' highest rated and recommended model in bagless uprights and it came on Monday.
OH MY GOSH!!!!
I put it together forthwith and vacuumed the foyer and living room. I emptied the bin three - count them 3 - times!! I have been cleaning an area every day and invariably emptying the bin at least twice each day. Yes, I have been Hoovering like a madwoman.
I am loving this whole feeling of clean carpets!!
I am loving this sense of accomplishment in being able to do it myself!
It has become apparent that I need to follow the Spark Lady methodology and only clean one room a day and limit myself to 15 minutes so I can not feel overwhelmed, actually make progress, AND end up with a clean house.
Please, it is not like this house has hundreds of rooms for heaven's sake!! Enough rooms, yes, and I am sure I will always have plenty to clean. We DO live here, after all.
A simple enough pleasure, to be sure.
On the health side - I am feeling great!! I only have two more Herceptin infusions and that should be all she wrote for active care!
I love Dr. Rassam and his staff, don't get me wrong. They have been supportive, kind, compassionate, encouraging and helpful. I will, regardless, be elated to have this stage of my life behind me!!
I know I will have to continue to be vigilant about my health, which absolutely I will be! I know I still have additional tests to go through to be sure all is well and such as that - it will, however, no longer be an every week, every three weeks thing! I will be liberated from this particular schedule and now I have to consider that I will be back fully in charge.
Hallelujah!!
perhaps it's time to "Hoover" some more...
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Happy Surger-versary to me....
Today is the first anniversary of my bi-lateral mastectomy surgery.
I hope that doesn't sound depressing, because I am feeling no sorrow over it. I admit freely that I still have this weird concoction of feelings when I ponder the reality of my body as it is now compared to what it was then. I think I may have that for the rest of my life!
Still - it is not something to moan and weep and lament.
I am on the right side of the grass -- the side looking down! I have only two more Herceptin infusions (YAY!!!) and then I proceed fully into post-treatment treatment.
What else are you gonna call it? It is treatment, it is post active treatment!
I am happy to be alive. I am happy to feel good! I am delighted to have a whole new perspective on feeling good. I won't have to go through what I have been through in order to so entirely value that feeling so-so, feeling mediocre at best, feeling bad even, is absolutely GREAT!!
I can taste food again (oh that is fabulous, really it is!), I can drive around when I want to or need to, I can do most anything I want.
I have realized the amazing and precious gift of having a spirit of joy. I am blessed with friends and family who love me, who pray for me, who worry about me, who make me laugh. Okay - granted that last one is not that hard to do. My sister tells me I am an easy audience. She just entirely cracks me up!
I am going to be a grandma! My younger son married his sweet Elisa and now I have a daughter AND they are expecting the arrival of my precious first grand at the end of September.
Now he is trying to insist that I will be called nonna, which is Italian for grandmother. So wrong. That is not what is going to be my grandmother moniker. The little one will have a nonna and a nonno in the sweet Elisa's parents. I, therefore, am choosing to be called me-me, or if you prefer Mimi.
Oh, it is somewhat naughty of me to insist on it. You see, I have a sister-in-law who doesn't like me. Go figure! Everybody likes me, I like everybody, you see. She doesn't know me at all, and yet insisted at a family dust-up that I was "totally selfish. All you care about is me me me." I must contend - and it is pretty much universally agreed upon that this is a case of projection on her part. It is why - in part - I called this blog "and now it IS all about me.." and it is, again in part, why I WILL be called Mimi.
It is both a laughing off of her accusation, her erroneous and mean-spirited accusation, and a reminder to me that people will have their little issues. Well, in the Southern sense of the term "bless her heart."
Those among us who understand Southern know EXACTLY what that means. And if you don't speak Southern, just laugh - because it is funny.
So the other evening after I had told Linda that I would be called Mimi, she giggled at that and said she would be called "Aunt La-la" - which made both of us laugh.
Signing off from our phone conversation she later said "good night Mimi" in a deep and affected southern accent. I laughed at both the comment and the accent, as did she. Then she prompted me "say 'goodnight Lala'", which - naturally, I did and we both laughed.
Life is good. Life is humorous. Hang in there through the hard times, the sad times, the lonely times; better days are ahead.
If you are blessed, not lucky - blessed, you will find that God does have a sense of humor and gave you one too. Find it!! Put on rose colored glasses. Yes, there is darkness and evil in the world. But you must not stare at them, they will sweep you under the floorboards themselves into despair.
Look for the light that is there. Joy will come in the morning, just last through the night.
Weep when you must (put a time limit on it!) and laugh as soon as you can. I will dance through this world and I will laugh.
I hope that doesn't sound depressing, because I am feeling no sorrow over it. I admit freely that I still have this weird concoction of feelings when I ponder the reality of my body as it is now compared to what it was then. I think I may have that for the rest of my life!
Still - it is not something to moan and weep and lament.
I am on the right side of the grass -- the side looking down! I have only two more Herceptin infusions (YAY!!!) and then I proceed fully into post-treatment treatment.
What else are you gonna call it? It is treatment, it is post active treatment!
I am happy to be alive. I am happy to feel good! I am delighted to have a whole new perspective on feeling good. I won't have to go through what I have been through in order to so entirely value that feeling so-so, feeling mediocre at best, feeling bad even, is absolutely GREAT!!
I can taste food again (oh that is fabulous, really it is!), I can drive around when I want to or need to, I can do most anything I want.
I have realized the amazing and precious gift of having a spirit of joy. I am blessed with friends and family who love me, who pray for me, who worry about me, who make me laugh. Okay - granted that last one is not that hard to do. My sister tells me I am an easy audience. She just entirely cracks me up!
I am going to be a grandma! My younger son married his sweet Elisa and now I have a daughter AND they are expecting the arrival of my precious first grand at the end of September.
Now he is trying to insist that I will be called nonna, which is Italian for grandmother. So wrong. That is not what is going to be my grandmother moniker. The little one will have a nonna and a nonno in the sweet Elisa's parents. I, therefore, am choosing to be called me-me, or if you prefer Mimi.
Oh, it is somewhat naughty of me to insist on it. You see, I have a sister-in-law who doesn't like me. Go figure! Everybody likes me, I like everybody, you see. She doesn't know me at all, and yet insisted at a family dust-up that I was "totally selfish. All you care about is me me me." I must contend - and it is pretty much universally agreed upon that this is a case of projection on her part. It is why - in part - I called this blog "and now it IS all about me.." and it is, again in part, why I WILL be called Mimi.
It is both a laughing off of her accusation, her erroneous and mean-spirited accusation, and a reminder to me that people will have their little issues. Well, in the Southern sense of the term "bless her heart."
Those among us who understand Southern know EXACTLY what that means. And if you don't speak Southern, just laugh - because it is funny.
So the other evening after I had told Linda that I would be called Mimi, she giggled at that and said she would be called "Aunt La-la" - which made both of us laugh.
Signing off from our phone conversation she later said "good night Mimi" in a deep and affected southern accent. I laughed at both the comment and the accent, as did she. Then she prompted me "say 'goodnight Lala'", which - naturally, I did and we both laughed.
Life is good. Life is humorous. Hang in there through the hard times, the sad times, the lonely times; better days are ahead.
If you are blessed, not lucky - blessed, you will find that God does have a sense of humor and gave you one too. Find it!! Put on rose colored glasses. Yes, there is darkness and evil in the world. But you must not stare at them, they will sweep you under the floorboards themselves into despair.
Look for the light that is there. Joy will come in the morning, just last through the night.
Weep when you must (put a time limit on it!) and laugh as soon as you can. I will dance through this world and I will laugh.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Fold Them Like a Taco
I decided it was time to do something about the gordian knot of my physical aspect.
As you may or may not know, a gordian knot is impossible to unravel. The definition is "an exceedingly complicated problem or deadlock" AND it is a metaphor for an exceedingly difficult problem solved by a bold stroke (cutting the gordian knot).
I have yet to determine what is the bold stroke required to fix the issues that are connected to, well, the issues of breast cancer, bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, self-image. Oh, I could go on -- and ON. Thus, you see, why it is a gordian knot.
Nonetheless, I decided one thing I could do was see the "Image Recovery Specialist" at the TMH Cancer Center.
Wrap your head around that for a minute - "Image Recovery Specialist"..... As if one could just pick it up and regain your self image. Well, it certainly sounds good in theory!
Don't get me wrong - there is a part of me that feels like I am absolutely fabulous!! I put a good face on it all and present to others as if I 100% feel positive. Sometimes I actually feel that way, too -- positive, feminine, beautiful. Okay that whole feminine thing - that girly part of me - that actually is a major part of who I am. I just AM a girly kind of girl. But I look in the mirror and I see the shocking (still) change to my body and it can hit pretty hard. It sucker punches you and every single day you know - I have to fight this, I have to look beyond the initial physical appearance and remember that I own beauty.
It is, you see, NOT pretty. Oh, I no longer feel that I am a technicolor 3-D topographical map of a nightmare train scene from a horror movie. But I DID feel that way.
I still do not feel beauty in my self, in my body, in my spirit. Because this is not how a woman is supposed to look.
I fully grasp that this is a transitional body. I know - I can see the difference in the body I had on February 17th, 2011 (one day post surgery) and the body I have today. However, I also clearly see the difference in the body I have today and the body I had on February 15th, 2011.
So - I went for prosthetics. THAT is what the Image Recovery Specialist does. I must say that is a far better title than, say, Artificial Temporary Body Part Specialist. Yeah?
Now, I will tell you that I had to present my case, my argument as to why I wanted to be a "B cup" - which I think is actually just about the perfect size to be!
Argument 1 - I am on Weight Watchers and determined to get down to the size I deem healthy, comfortable and sustainable. As I lose weight, the prosthetics will not. Therefore within a few months, these imitation girls will be too big.
Argument 2 - I have been big, endowed, stacked, whatever you want to call it. My goodness, those girls were everywhere!!!
With a B cup you can actually button a blouse without having to resort to safety pinning everything together. You can actually go shopping and find things that fit and not have to worry about clothing staying in place. You don't have to consider "wait a minute - doesn't this fit like it has neon flashing arrows pointing out how big my boobs are?" which you DO have to consider when you are larger. You don't have to size up - and up - even though you should be able to wear a smaller size - in order to accommodate "the girls". You actually get to find pretty undergarments that come in plenty of colors and patterns and styles instead of having to make do and STRUGGLE to find something that does NOT make you feel like someone's unattractive grandmother.
So - I have prosthetics and prosthetic bras so I can wear them pretty much whenever I want to.
Of course, after going for 10 months without them I have found that it's really pretty convenient and comfortable to not have those things in my way!
And of course - did I mention how nice it is to no longer feel - after 41 years of feeling this way -- like I should say to every man I meet "Hey - I'm about a foot higher and they ain't gonna talk to you!"?
Because that does feel nice. I still sometimes feel like men are looking at my chest - but now I kind of smirk internally and think "I am about a foot higher you dork and they are SURE not gonna talk to you now - since they are NOT THERE!"
When Karen - the specialist - was instructing me how to put the prosthetics in place and fitting me for a bra, etc., she showed me how to insert the device in question into the bras. I have one for each side, obviously, and they each store conveniently in their own box. They are kind of teardrop shaped, somewhat heavy, and they feel very much like they should feel. So she tells me "You pick it up and just fold it like a taco to insert it into the bra. Then once it's in, its own weight will straighten it out."
I thought that was pretty funny and it actually is an excellent way to describe what you need to do.
I have only worn them a few times. There are days when I feel like I want to present that feminine aspect to the world in a physical, actual way and on those days I take them out of their boxes and slip them into their bra and wear them. And then I get home and am SO happy to take them off!! My goodness - these things feel like they weigh a ton!!! Here is the thing - I selected lighter weight ones than originally tendered and I know for a fact these weigh considerably less than what I had 24-7 before the surgery!!
I keep working on this and I know additionally that I have to discover a new style of dressing than I had before because this body is different than the one I used to dress. I will get there from here - I just have to want to take the steps necessary and I don't always want to.
ON a humorous note - Right after my surgery - say a week or two, when I was able to get out for short trips, several people who saw me commented "Wow! You've lost a lot of weight." Completely oblivious that all I had lost was boobs!! So - great, you think boobs make a woman fat?!! Yeah, people kind of DO think that. Even though the cultural presentation is that a woman should have big boobs. Great - another conundrum which you (the culture at large) dump on women.
Well, for now - I think I will continue to mostly leave those little permanently perky things happily in their boxes. When I feel like it I will utilize them.
Tacos anyone?
As you may or may not know, a gordian knot is impossible to unravel. The definition is "an exceedingly complicated problem or deadlock" AND it is a metaphor for an exceedingly difficult problem solved by a bold stroke (cutting the gordian knot).
I have yet to determine what is the bold stroke required to fix the issues that are connected to, well, the issues of breast cancer, bi-lateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, self-image. Oh, I could go on -- and ON. Thus, you see, why it is a gordian knot.
Nonetheless, I decided one thing I could do was see the "Image Recovery Specialist" at the TMH Cancer Center.
Wrap your head around that for a minute - "Image Recovery Specialist"..... As if one could just pick it up and regain your self image. Well, it certainly sounds good in theory!
Don't get me wrong - there is a part of me that feels like I am absolutely fabulous!! I put a good face on it all and present to others as if I 100% feel positive. Sometimes I actually feel that way, too -- positive, feminine, beautiful. Okay that whole feminine thing - that girly part of me - that actually is a major part of who I am. I just AM a girly kind of girl. But I look in the mirror and I see the shocking (still) change to my body and it can hit pretty hard. It sucker punches you and every single day you know - I have to fight this, I have to look beyond the initial physical appearance and remember that I own beauty.
It is, you see, NOT pretty. Oh, I no longer feel that I am a technicolor 3-D topographical map of a nightmare train scene from a horror movie. But I DID feel that way.
I still do not feel beauty in my self, in my body, in my spirit. Because this is not how a woman is supposed to look.
I fully grasp that this is a transitional body. I know - I can see the difference in the body I had on February 17th, 2011 (one day post surgery) and the body I have today. However, I also clearly see the difference in the body I have today and the body I had on February 15th, 2011.
So - I went for prosthetics. THAT is what the Image Recovery Specialist does. I must say that is a far better title than, say, Artificial Temporary Body Part Specialist. Yeah?
Now, I will tell you that I had to present my case, my argument as to why I wanted to be a "B cup" - which I think is actually just about the perfect size to be!
Argument 1 - I am on Weight Watchers and determined to get down to the size I deem healthy, comfortable and sustainable. As I lose weight, the prosthetics will not. Therefore within a few months, these imitation girls will be too big.
Argument 2 - I have been big, endowed, stacked, whatever you want to call it. My goodness, those girls were everywhere!!!
With a B cup you can actually button a blouse without having to resort to safety pinning everything together. You can actually go shopping and find things that fit and not have to worry about clothing staying in place. You don't have to consider "wait a minute - doesn't this fit like it has neon flashing arrows pointing out how big my boobs are?" which you DO have to consider when you are larger. You don't have to size up - and up - even though you should be able to wear a smaller size - in order to accommodate "the girls". You actually get to find pretty undergarments that come in plenty of colors and patterns and styles instead of having to make do and STRUGGLE to find something that does NOT make you feel like someone's unattractive grandmother.
So - I have prosthetics and prosthetic bras so I can wear them pretty much whenever I want to.
Of course, after going for 10 months without them I have found that it's really pretty convenient and comfortable to not have those things in my way!
And of course - did I mention how nice it is to no longer feel - after 41 years of feeling this way -- like I should say to every man I meet "Hey - I'm about a foot higher and they ain't gonna talk to you!"?
Because that does feel nice. I still sometimes feel like men are looking at my chest - but now I kind of smirk internally and think "I am about a foot higher you dork and they are SURE not gonna talk to you now - since they are NOT THERE!"
When Karen - the specialist - was instructing me how to put the prosthetics in place and fitting me for a bra, etc., she showed me how to insert the device in question into the bras. I have one for each side, obviously, and they each store conveniently in their own box. They are kind of teardrop shaped, somewhat heavy, and they feel very much like they should feel. So she tells me "You pick it up and just fold it like a taco to insert it into the bra. Then once it's in, its own weight will straighten it out."
I thought that was pretty funny and it actually is an excellent way to describe what you need to do.
I have only worn them a few times. There are days when I feel like I want to present that feminine aspect to the world in a physical, actual way and on those days I take them out of their boxes and slip them into their bra and wear them. And then I get home and am SO happy to take them off!! My goodness - these things feel like they weigh a ton!!! Here is the thing - I selected lighter weight ones than originally tendered and I know for a fact these weigh considerably less than what I had 24-7 before the surgery!!
I keep working on this and I know additionally that I have to discover a new style of dressing than I had before because this body is different than the one I used to dress. I will get there from here - I just have to want to take the steps necessary and I don't always want to.
ON a humorous note - Right after my surgery - say a week or two, when I was able to get out for short trips, several people who saw me commented "Wow! You've lost a lot of weight." Completely oblivious that all I had lost was boobs!! So - great, you think boobs make a woman fat?!! Yeah, people kind of DO think that. Even though the cultural presentation is that a woman should have big boobs. Great - another conundrum which you (the culture at large) dump on women.
Well, for now - I think I will continue to mostly leave those little permanently perky things happily in their boxes. When I feel like it I will utilize them.
Tacos anyone?
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